Back when I was in sixth grade I knew these two dumbfucks who thought Xena Warrior Princess was the hottest thing in pants (or whatever it was Xena wore). I'm not making this up. These guys would drool over the chick and lament not being able to touch her firm, masculine physique. Since then I've heard numerous people (friends and foes alike) talk about how hot ugly bitch X is and how much they just wanna fuck her. Remember when Pamela Anderson was the object of every male fantasy? How long did it take for that to die down? I never thought she was hot, with her black overgroomed eyebrows and hard-ass boobs. C'mon. Boobs are supposed to be soft and supple, not big bowling balls. It's like the Barbie Twins craze. They weren't hot. A few people who needed glasses thought they were hot so everyone else decided the same because they wanted to be part of the crowd.

This page has nothing to do with this woman since everyone has already agreed she's ugly.

Artist's rendition of the Barbie Twins

Guess what? Just like Pamela Anderson, nobody gives a fuck anymore. It's the in-today-out-later-today spirit of our nation. 30% of the people in the United States don't even remember what year September 11th took place in.

I still have to put up with this, living with three male rommates. That's why I've taken the liberty to compile this list of ugly women everyone thinks are hot, just to clarify.

Exhibit A: Jenna Jameson

Standing next to a buddy of mine rifling through a plethora of pornographic DVDs at the local Warehouse inevitably yielded the picking up a movie featuring the above uglypuss and the question, "Dude, isn't she like the hottest girl ever?" I said nothing but the only thing going through my mind was, "Um, no."

Seriously, I don't care how bad you think you look with glasses on. If you think this chick is hot you need your eyes checked. We can try out my new cataracts test right now. It's similar to the lobotomy test, which I will administer first.

If you answered yes, then you have had a lobotomy sometime in your past. You may not remember it because they also cut out that part of your memory. So if you answer yes to the question, "Do you think Jenna Jameson is hot?" then you have cataracts.

Seriously, go to a freaking optometrist.

Anatomy of Jenna Jameson

Jenna Jameson's body essentially consists of three separate components.

1) Dolph Lundgren's head:
2) A pile of cinder blocks for breasts:
3) And a massive vacuous void for a vagina:

Seriously, if Jameson wasn't a porn star no man on earth would find her attractive without the aid of the magical chick-make-appear-hotter juice (alcohol). I once saw a toy of her at a collectible trade show in City of Industry and even that looked ugly. I'm curious: why make an action figure (no pun intended) of a porn star with the feature clearly advertised on the box, "Fully detailed body parts!" if you can't take it out of the fucking box? Man, what some people will pay money for is ridiculous.

Exhibit B: Paris Hilton

I have to admit, when I heard that this chick got punched in the face a felt sorry. Sorry I wasn't the one who punched her. Hilton is similar to the George Bush phenomenon. I know absolutely no one who likes that guy, and yet somehow he's still president. He even got reelected. Now tell me, even most media outlets make fun of Miss Hilton, here, but she's been in several movies and has a freaking album. How can that be? I know no one who likes American Idol and yet the Japanese water torture that is that show retains massive popularity. It's the same thing. If you can figure out why Paris Hilton is so popular then you're certainly wiser than I.

But what really galls me about Paris is that she got popular over a grainy green porno, which means someone out there thinks she's hot. Just look at that elongated nose and vacant stare. She's had no plastic surgery that I know of and she still manages to wear a big plastic smile. I might give her girl power points for keeping her natural breasts if there weren't already a slew of small-breasted women a million times more attractive.

Alison Lohman. Way hotter than Paris Hilton.

Naomi Watts. Also way hotter than Paris Hilton

Exhibit C: Morgan Webb

Here's some more of that Dolph Ludgren thing. Just look at her jawline! She looks like He-man with long hair and makeup. I have to put up with this Morgan-Webb-is-hot nonsense from my loser roommates. "OMG! A girl who plays video games!" Dude, the last time I checked, the video game playing audience was comprised of 40% women (and the online game playing audience is a wopping 60%--although that does inlcude the free, sprite-based games you can play on the internet).

My first reaction to this picture: "Eww."

Here I will take the liberty of compiling gamer babes who actually are hot.

Amy McDonough=hot.	Jenn Frank: hot for three reasons: 1) the obvious anatomical hotness 2) She has a big vocabulary (which is hot) and 3) she has a very sexy voice.	Raychul Moore. Super sexy video game playing blonde bombshell. Leaves you wanting moore. (Heh. I'm so clever.)

Exhibit D: Chiaki Kuriyama

My only question is why? Her eyes are crossed, her nose is bigger than mine, and what's with those lashes? Are they fake, or just grotesquely oversized? Do guys like her because she plays a tough girl in a few movies? Y'know, a lot of guys say they like tough girls, but when it comes down to it, no man will sacrifice his status as the person in charge. A tough girl's gonna take the initiative.

Exhibit E: Demi Moore

Again with the Dolph Lundgren shit and another impossibly square jaw on a female face. Was she pretty when she was younger? Probably. But now? No. Quit fooling yourselves. People think it's so great to have a middle aged woman who's hot. Well, you can come up with someone a lot better. Here, let me show you. Famke Jansen is 37 (pictured on the left, obviously):

Heck, Sofia Loren's hotter than ol' Demi, there. So is Lena Olin, Marg Helgenberger and Moe Syzlak.

Heck, they're hotter than all five of the aforementioned exhibits.

UPDATE (4-15-08):

A Part 2 has recently been compiled. Read it at:

Ugly Women Everyone Thinks Are Hot part 2: The Revenge

Also check out the List of Ugly Men Everyone Thinks Are Hot