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Cast of Characters
Character #1: Quinn
A twenty-something female.
Character #2: Lonnie
Another female, younger, and extremely vivacious.
Character #3: Jason
Lonnie's cousin and best friend. Everything about his appearance screams "average" although he does have a very high IQ.
Character #4: Joe
Quinn's boyfriend, Lonnie's brother. He is calm and collected.
Scene
A broken down truck on a secluded mountain road. It is raining.
Time
Night.
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(On stage are three stools representing the interior of a small pickup truck. Occupying what can only be the driver's seat is QUINN, a crossword puzzle cradled in her lap. LONNIE is seated in the middle holding a Game Boy (or other such handheld video game console), but currently has the game on pause. To the front of them is JASON, examining the engine of the truck with a cell phone to his ear. He is clearly favoring his left foot.
JASON stands up straight, snaps the phone shut, and slams the hood closed. Clearly frustrated, he limps over to the passenger side door, careful to avoid any puddles. He then attempts to open the door but it won't budge. After fumbling with his keys a few moments he finally gives up and taps the glass.) |
JASON |
| Hey, Lonnie, open up! |
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(LONNIE Reaches for the door knob but it is stuck. She giggles.) |
QUINN |
| Oh, you have to get in on the other side. |
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(JASON sighs and walks to driver's side door.) |
QUINN
(to LONNIE) |
| Move over. |
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(QUINN and LONNIE both move over one seat. Lonnie deliberately exaggerates a grunt as she does so. JASON steps in.) |
JASON |
| It's rainy as hell out there. |
QUINN |
| Any luck with the engine? |
JASON |
| Oh, that thing's shot. Can't figure out what's wrong with it. Might be electrical but I don't wanna fuck with it 'cause-- |
| |
(JASON gestures to the outside.) |
JASON |
| --y'know, it's wet. |
LONNIE
(smirking) |
| Have a little trouble with your keys, there, Jay? |
JASON |
| Yeah, I couldn't find the hole. |
LONNIE
(she giggles) |
| Not the first time that's happened. |
JASON |
| And how would you know? |
LONNIE |
| Hey, I'm not out of the loop. I hear strange things, sometimes. |
LONNIE
(whispering) |
| I see alive people! |
| |
(JASON and LONNIE laugh.) |
QUINN |
| So, did you manage to give Joe decent directions as to where we are? |
JASON |
| Yeah, he says he'll be here in like, thirty minutes, or so. I swear, this is the last time I ever drive all the way up to Idyllwild to see Sean's shitty band play. Only he could start a riot at a fucking coffee shop in a secluded mountain town. |
LONNIE |
| Is that why you were limping just now? |
JASON |
| No, I twisted my ankle last night. |
LONNIE |
| So when I asked you this morning how you were doing why'd you say, "Fine?" |
JASON |
| Well, what else did you expect? I mean, you're not really that interested, are you? |
LONNIE |
| You're such a cynic. |
JASON |
| You ask somebody how it's going and what are they gonna say besides, "Fine?" "Oh, no. I'm not doing so well. I got paid this morning but it was raining and I couldn't pull the top back down on my convertible and the ink on my check got all smeared and my girlfriend started to cry 'cause we got lost in a forest somewhere and we ran out of gas so we started up the windy road on foot and tripped over fifty feet of barbed wire and some wild animal came up and ran away with my shoes and a stroke of lightening split the engine in half and the windshield wiper ended up in my mouth and my girlfriend sank in quicksand and died." |
LONNIE |
| I was just asking if you were okay. I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. |
QUINN |
| Hey, I think I hear a car! |
JASON
(leaning forward) |
| I think I see a car. |
LONNIE |
| Honk the horn, Jay! |
JASON |
| What do you mean honk it louder? It doesn't have a fucking volume control! |
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(They watch the car pass by.) |
QUINN |
| They didn't even slow down. |
LONNIE |
| Can't they see we're stranded? Stupid dipshits. |
JASON |
| That's the sweetest plum. |
QUINN |
| What does that mean? |
LONNIE |
| He means that's fucking ridiculous. |
JASON |
| You're the one relying on strangers for help. |
LONNIE |
Hey, strangers are just friends you haven't met. |
JASON |
| Yeah, either that or a rape in a dark alley somewhere. |
LONNIE |
| You're relying on my brother for help. That guy's a fucking narcoleptic. He actually fell asleep at a strip club, of all places. |
QUINN |
| Joey's just been working hard late--wait, when was he at a strip club? |
| |
(JASON and LONNIE express hesitation and uncertainty by uttering several "ums and "uhs.") |
LONNIE
(to JASON) |
| Wanna finish our game? |
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(JASON removes a Game Boy from his pocket. They begin playing a game. Beat.) |
QUINN |
| Can you guys help me out with this crossword puzzle? |
QUINN |
| The clue is, "Computer Letters." Six spaces. First two are "E" "M," last one is probably "S." |
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(She marks the answer down on the puzzle. LONNIE'S face appears disgruntled as she jabs the buttons on her Game Boy a bit more vigorously.) |
LONNIE |
| Shit! Watch out, Jason! |
JASON |
| Watch out, Radioactive Man! |
LONNIE |
| Watch out, Laszlo Panaflex! |
QUINN |
| What the hell are you two talking about? |
LONNIE |
| It's from The Simpsons. |
QUINN |
Ah. Should've known. |
JASON |
All life deconstructs into The Simpsons. |
QUINN |
Gimme a buzz when you're ready to let me into the private little world ya got going there. |
LONNIE |
| You know what we should do, Quinn? We should tie you to a chair and fix your eyes open like Clockwork Orange and make you watch nothing but The Simpsons till you have every episode memorized. |
QUINN |
Hmm. That sounds painful.
(beat)
What's Clockwork Orange? |
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(Both JASON and LONNIE slowly turn their heads from their game to QUINN'S face, astonished.) |
LONNIE
(sighing as she returns to her Game Boy) |
| Quinn...you're horrible. |
QUINN |
| Sorry I can't be the sister you never had. |
LONNIE |
But you are! I just need to edjamacate you. |
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(Embarrassed, QUINN sighs and returns to her puzzle. LONNIE suddenlt bolts upright, eyes wide, watching ht street.) |
LONNIE
(pointing) |
Look! There's a Canyonero coming up the bend, there! Honk it Jay! |
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(JASON honks the horn as LONNIE rolls down the window and waves her arms.) |
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(JASON honks the horn as LONNIE rolls down the window and waves her arms. They all watch the car drive by.) |
LONNIE |
God-DAMNIT! Stupid F-U V!
(calling out the window)
Hey, sorry about your penis, yuppie! |
QUINN |
| It's okay, Joe will be here, soon. |
LONNIE |
| If he can find us. |
QUINN |
Just get your mind on something else. |
QUINN |
| How 'bout this crossword clue? It's kind of weird. "Wood's Lot R co-star." That mean anything to you? |
LONNIE |
| Lot R? What's that? |
QUINN |
| Some movie, I guess. |
LONNIE |
| I never heard of a movie called "Lot R." |
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(QUINN holds the puzzle to JASON'S face, her finger pointing to the clue. JASON examines it for a moment.) |
JASON
(returning to the game.) |
| Astin. |
JASON |
| Elijah Wood's Lord of the Rings co-star is Sean Astin. |
QUINN
(shocked at JASON'S genius) |
| Oh my God! |
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(QUINN excitedly marks the answer down.) |
LONNIE |
| Wow, Jason, only you would've thought of that. |
QUINN |
| I wouldn't've thought of that. Okay, how 'bout this one? "Princess Leia's last name." |
JASON |
You know, I'd hate to think what things would be like if you were doing a London Times crossword puzzle. |
LONNIE |
| That's okay, she'd just have you do it for her. |
QUINN |
| Hey, at least I'm doing something intellectual! I can't even pull you two away from your precious video games to do something physical. |
LONNIE |
| We used to play little league. |
QUINN |
Really? Both of you? |
LONNIE |
| Yes. And you've been dating my brother how long? |
JASON |
| You ever play any sports, Quinn? |
QUINN
(shrugs) |
| Cheerleading in high school. |
JASON |
That's not a sport. |
JASON
(laughing) |
| Because! |
QUINN
(a brief beat as Quinn awaits a plausible response.) |
| What, that's your answer? That one word? You have the audacity to tell me that cheerleading's not a sport with the word "because" as your only explanation and then laugh maniacally like an evil scientist? |
LONNIE |
(to no one in particular)
Behold! A monkey with four asses! |
QUINN |
| Explain yourself, Jason! |
JASON |
| It's not a fucking sport! |
QUINN |
| Yes it is! You work out just like any other sport. You compete just like any other sport. You wear uniforms just like any other sport. |
LONNIE |
Fishing's considered a sport and it doesn't have any of those things.
(shrugs)
'Cept for maybe the competition part. |
QUINN |
(to LONNIE)
Right.
(to JASON)
A sport is a kind of recreation, and since cheerleading is a recreation, that makes it a sport by default. |
LONNIE |
(shaking her fist back and forth)
DEE-FAULT! DEE-FAULT! DEE-FAULT! |
JASON |
| Look, I masturbate as a recreation, you wouldn't call that a sport! |
QUINN |
You don't do it competitively!
(quick beat)
Do you? |
QUINN |
| So please in all your infinite gifted-minded wisdom reveal to us why exactly cheerleading isn't a sport! |
JASON |
| Look, back in the old days, there were only three sports. You either ran for your life, swam for your life, or fought for your life. And trust me, nobody ever shook stupid little pompoms and cheered for their fucking lives. |
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(QUINN shrinks into her seat, resigned and defeated. Beat.) |
LONNIE |
Well...maybe back in the olden days some people begged for their lives. |
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(JASON bursts out laughing. QUINN sighs, annoyed.) |
QUINN |
(putting her hands together in prayer)
Please, God, let this end soon! |
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(A few idle moments pass by in silence as all three parties return to their activities. Slowly but surely, LONNIE becomes more and more frustrated as she shakes the Game Boy and mashes the buttons.) |
LONNIE
(to the Game Boy) |
Damnit! Mario, you stupid idiot!
(she slaps the Game Boy)
Fucking Mario, why'd you do that for?! |
JASON |
The man in the Game Boy can't hear you, Lonnie. |
LONNIE |
Oh, you mean the little man inside who operates the machinery? |
JASON |
| Yeah, just like the little man behind the ATM who gives you money. |
LONNIE |
| And the little man on the roof of the garage who opens the garage door whenever you press the button? |
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(They both laugh. Quinn looks confused. Beat) |
QUINN |
I used to know a guy named Mario.
(beat) |
LONNIE AND JASON |
(singing to the tune of Beethoven's 9th Symphony)
NOBODY CARES! NOBODY CARES! |
QUINN
(to the heavens)
|
| Save me, lord. |
LONNIE AND JASON |
| Nobody cares! Nobody cares! Nobody cares! Nobody cares! No-BUH-DEE CARES! |
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(Both Game Boys wig out. LONNIE straightens her arms wide-eyed, holding the machine out in front of her.) |
LONNIE |
| What the fuck? What just happened? |
JASON |
| Did your batteries die? |
LONNIE |
| Is that what that little red blinking light meant? |
JASON |
| Man! No what are we gonna do? |
LONNIE
Um... |
(looking around)
Hey Quinn, can I turn on the radio? |
QUINN |
| No, I'm trying to save the car battery. |
LONNIE |
| What, with the fucking dome light on? |
JASON
(to no one in particular) |
| You mean the little man in the roof of the truck who turns on the dome light whenever you open the door? |
QUINN
(overlapping) |
| Well, I gotta see my crossword puzzle, don't I? |
| |
(LONNIE reaches for the radio but QUINN grabs her hand.) |
QUINN |
| It doesn't matter, you're not gonna get any reception out here, anyway. |
LONNIE |
| Alright, fine. Jason, play some rock music. |
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(JASON starts making wanky guitar sound effects with his mouth. LONNIE dances.) |
QUINN |
| Okay, that's it, I'm outa here. |
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(QUINN tries to climb over Lonnie to make her escape.) |
LONNIE
(still dancing) |
| It's all wet out there. |
QUINN |
I don't care, let me out. |
LONNIE |
| That door's broken. |
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(As QUINN struggles she manages to catch a glimpse of an approaching car. She gasps.) |
LONNIE
(turns around) |
And they seem to be slowing down! |
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(JASON quits his wanky guitar sounds and grunts loudly as Quinn climbs over him and exits the vehicle. Enter JOE.) |
JOE |
| Hey, beautiful, glad I found-- |
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(Before JOE can finish, Quinn leaps into his arms.) |
QUINN |
| Oh, thank God, thank God, thank GOD! |
JASON
(steps out of the truck) |
Hey, Joe, what do ya know? |
JOE |
| Hey. You driving my girlfriend insane? |
JASON |
| Not any more than usual. |
JOE |
Great.
(to QUINN)
Gimme the keys, beautiful. |
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(QUINN lets go of him and hands him the keys. JOE steps in the driver's seat.) |
JOE |
| Okay, let's see if we can start 'er up. |
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(JOE puts the keys in the ignition and turns them. Nothing happens. He looks around and discovers the car is still in "drive." He makes the necessary adjustment and hits the ignition again. This time the engine turns over. He steps out and notices the dropped jaws of all three of his rescuees. He gestures to the truck.) |
QUINN |
| What was wrong with it? |
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(JOE tosses the keys back to Quinn.) |
JOE |
| It was still in gear. |
QUINN |
That's the sweetest plum. |
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