I've been involved in the underground music scene since I was eleven and I've always wondered what's up with those goddamned stage barriers? I look at old concert footage and wonder how did we ever lose our way? When did we succumb to letting the man decide how close we can get to a band?

Essentially, we've gone from this:

And I thought I was good at giving people the look of death.

To this:

That's gotta be at least four feet away from the stage.

So if I were to ask why these idiotic things are necessary, I'd likely get some stupid explanation about how venues are trying to keep everyone safe and prevent stagedives and any possible lawsuits. Bull. The crowds I know are rarely inconsiderate. If you fall down in a pit, people help you back up. Only roughly 1% of the people I encounter at rock shows are there to hurt people, which is why I appropriately call them one-percenters. Other people call them bros. Perhaps one day I'll put up an article explaining why bros suck. Until then I hope you all enjoy my five reasons why stage barriers should be eliminated from all music shows of every kind.

Reason #1: They fail to make anything safer.

Man, I'm so awesome.

Shown above is Rick Agnew of Adolescents fame singing at the University of Redlands. Notice anything odd? Where's the stage? It's behind that bush, there. What the fuck? Why put a stage barrier in front of a bush? This is one of the stupidest things I've ever seen at a show. Because there's a bush in front of the stage, and because the fascists who own the venue decided to put up a barrier as well, there's nothing to brace the barrier to keep it from falling down. Solution? Put road cases in front of the bush! But that only creates more problems (that the powers that be apparently don't consider): you can clearly see how accessible the road cases are. By the time headliners The Vandals went on, kids were climbing on top of the road cases and doing stagedives, thus defeating the purpose of having a barrier to begin with. And consider this: if someone climbs up on a stage and falls backwards, they land on a stage. If someone climbs up on the above road cases and falls backwards, they land in a bush, which would quite likely cause more severe injuries. Hello lawsuit!

Reason #2: As Jack Grisham once said, they remove the human factor from live shows.

I also saw TSOL at this show and Jack Grisham commented on how the stage is "like a fucking moat" that eliminated human contact. Ever wanted to touch a rock star? Too damn bad! Stage barriers further distance the gods of music and the mere mortals known as fans in ways never before possible. I once saw a (shitty) band at the Glass House in which the drummer removed his ear plugs and threw them into the crowd at the close of their set (because, y'know, ear plugs are the second most sought after rock star possession behind cum rags). That was the closest we were able to get to a rock star, however shitty the band may have been. Fortunately for me, I recently went to a Death by Stereo show that afforded fans the luxury of getting close enough to make out with the lead singer, that way they didn't have to settle for moldy, disgusting ear plugs.

Reason #3: When you try to get a sexy picture of Warren Fitzgerald, you also get an ugly picture of fat security guards.

'Nuff said.

Reason #4: It makes the shows just a little bit more fun.

Picture this: some douchebag fan, inebriated on liqueur (and God knows what else), manages to muscle his way through the crowd, climb the front wall (or crowd surf above it) and share a stage with his favorite band. Now he's faced with somewhat of a dilemma. He's just a kid no one really knows standing up in front of a huge crowd who came to see rock and roll. What now? He can try to grab a mic and scream with his hoarse, off-key voice, but he's too intoxicated to remember the lyrics. He might try to dance, but he doesn't know how, and even if he did, he still has that problem of being intoxicated. He might try a stagedive, but that can lead to a lot of pain if he remembers it. So what's the most likely scenario? Usually, it's some combination of the three. What makes this so great is how hilarious it is. During Against Me!'s encore at the Glass House some time ago I saw this very thing happen, but with a slight twist. It wasn't just one douchebag, but about twenty douchebags, none of whom had anything to do with the band. I doubt anyone singing was even in the band. I laughed my ass off.

Reason #5: stage barriers encourage more people to climb over them.

Think I'm full of shit? Go to a show with a barrier. See how many people crowd surf their way over the damn thing. Then go to a show without a barrier. You'll notice something odd. Not nearly as many people try to get on the stage! I've witnessed this dozens of times. I don't doubt there might be a few exceptions, but I'm not privy to any. It's the essence of human nature. When you're told not to do something, you want to do it. If you see a sign that says, "Absolutely, positively NO machete juggling", you'll be overcome with the insatiable urge to juggle machetes. When Anti-Flag played Warped last year a kid actually did manage to get past the barrier and onto the stage. It was such a big deal the band stopped playing. It's like a challenge. The barrier takes on a life of it's own. "Hey kid, I bet you can't get up here!" and the kid replies, "Oh YEAH?"

So here's my solution: boycott stage barriers! Let's show those fascists how useless those damned things are. Crowd surf as often as you can. Do your best to get over them, and if possible, onto the stage. Leap into the audience. If the bouncers tackle you, sue them for all they're worth. It's time for us all to pull together and stop the tyranny. Death to stage barriers!