It is my undying hope that someday, somewhere, decades or even centuries into the future some famous historian will note that the single most ridiculous invention created my human beings is the video game. The sheer concept of taking control over people/machines/sports teams/spaceships/entire military forces (or whatever) and then killing every last thing that gets in your way is ridiculous. Some games, however, stand head over heals above the others. I have taken the liberty to compile the silliest, weirdest, lamest, most ludicrous moments within these games to establish this list. I present to you the most ridiculous moments in video games.

Contra – title and concept

Get used to this one, cuz you’re going to see a lot of it. Contra is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the most ridiculous game series ever made. Everything about it is ridiculous. Even it’s title. Contra. This was the name given to Nicaraguan rebels in the 80s. Don’t ask me why the game was named after them. Perhaps Konami just thought it sounded cool. Even the subtitles are ridiculous. We have Contra Force, Contra Hard Corps (pronounced “hardcore”), Contra: Shattered Soldier, Super C, and C: The Contra Adventure.

The concept of Contra is more ridiculous still. Armed with machines guns (or rather, all-purpose guns capable of firing endless amounts of bullets, missiles, lasers, fire, and plasma), two guys in camouflage become the entire workforce of the human resistance against a giant invading alien armada. If two freaking soldiers can take on battalion after battalion of evil aliens it really makes me wonder what a full human army can do. In earlier incarnations of the games, there is little distinction between these two super-soldiers aside from their awesome pants. In Contra III for the SNES, however, we have our choice between the white guy in the blue camouflage (y’know, just in case he drowns the enemies won’t be able to find him) and the black guy in the red camouflage (just in case he happens to be on fire). A friend of mine once told me that the he and his brother said these guys were Arnold Schwarzeneggar and Danny Glover. Okay. So, Arnie and Danny together have concocted the most brilliant strategy in war history: “It’s time for revenge. Let’s attack aggressively.” Seriously, the greatest military tacticians in the world couldn’t come up with a better plan.

Goldeneye 007 – the death animations

Known as one of the best Nintendo 64 games of all time, this first-person shooter had some very well-captured animation for its time (I say “captured” because it was probably motion captured, meaning they had an actual person do the movements before they digitized it). What’s ridiculous is the fact that when poor James gets killed the game rubs it in the player’s face by showing him die from three different camera angles. This can be quite discouraging after you’ve been playing a great deal of time in a high difficult level and then you die, which is enough to piss anyone off, but then the game has to piss you off even more by transubstantiating you from James’s body and showing him die three separate times.

Paperboy – the whole freaking game

Together Paperboy and Contra wrote the textbook on ridiculous gaming, designed a sixteen-week course on how to be ridiculous, and then failed anyone whoever took the class because under no circumstances can anyone possibly be as ridiculous as these two game series’ (especially when they join forces). Paperboy is the story of a kid’s one-week job (read, outlandish adventure) as the local paperboy, working in what could possibly be the most ridiculous suburban neighborhood in America. The citizens in this neighborhood revolve their entire existences around whether or not a paper is properly delivered to their front doorstep. If you miss their house one day, they cancel. Strangely enough, if one paper is acceptably delivered to a particular house, you can then smash their windows and knock over their trashcans without receiving any complaint whatsoever.

This does not describe the full extent of the shear ridiculousness of this game. What’s really ridiculous are the absurd obstacles. In the attempt to make a delivery, Paperboy must avoid rabid dogs, motorcycles, cars, old butcher-knife-wielding women, skateboarding maniacs, remote-control lawnmowers that seem to have demons or something, a guy struggling to pull up his pants (my brother insists that he’s breakdancing), renegade wheels, a kid running out in the middle of the street with a collar in his hand (presumably chasing one of the rabid dogs), tornadoes, and the Grim Reaper.

No wonder his job only lasts a week.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: The Manhattan Project – the story line

Shredder, being the insanely evil man that he is, hatches a plan to take over the world: wait until his archenemies the Ninja Turtles are on vacation and kidnap Manhattan island and suspend it in the atmosphere above the ocean and hold it hostage! You can just hear Shredder’s maniacal laughter!

Contra – the story line

In the original Contra, NES: The Plot: (taken right from the game)
“A.D. 2631: The story begins when New Zealand reports that a meteor crashed into the nearby ocean.
2 Years Later: Red Falcon begins the destruction of humanity. 2 of earth's marines, Bill & Lance, (oh, sorry, we mean Arnold and Danny) become the Contra.
Their mission: Stop the world's destruction.”

Thanks to Mike Fireball at Progressive Boink

Super C, NES: I’m not exactly sure. To my understanding, Red Falcon went back to some other planet but decided he didn’t get his ass kicked hard enough so he came back and brought some friends.

Contra III: The Alien Wars, Super NES: Realizing that both his previous invading alien armadas were completely wiped out by two guys with machine guns, Red Falcon changes his name to Blood Falcon and comes back to earth, this time with weapons designed specifically to kill two guys with machine guns.

Contra: Shattered Soldier, PlayStation 2: (Woo hoo, I have the booklet for this one!)

“Post apocalyptic world
Humans are trying to move forward and recreate society, however a new threat emerges to attack the remnants of humanity. Blood Falcon has emerged again to strike fear into humanity and push them to the edge of extinction. The army puts up a fight but the forces of humanity are being pushed farther and farther back. The government makes a tough choice with deep regret to call forth a criminal.

And thus, Bill Rizer (jeez, don't cha mean Arnold Schwarzeneggar?) has been called forth again. The man that was the savior of humanity during the Alien Wars, and also the most feared and despised criminal to roam the earth is back. A Special A Class Criminal, Bill (Arnold) is ranked as the highest enemy threat to humanity. His crimes included murdering his fellow soldier Lance Bean (Danny), taking over an ultra-magnetic weapons facility and causing mass destruction around the planet. He was a devil responsible for wiping out 80% of the world’s population. When he was captured, he was sentenced to 10,000 years in prison and put in cryo-genic stasis to serve out his sentence.”

Wow, that’s harsh. You save humanity three friggin times and they put you in jail for ten thousand years. So basically, (Red) Blood Falcon, being an alien, hates the human race and wants to destroy it. It’s my guess that the reason why every alien race in the universe (and even some from other dimensions, see below) wants to kill off all us puny humans is because we’re prettier than they are. However, I find myself agreeing with Mike Fireball that the reason why (insert Red or Blood here) Falcon wants to kill us is because he has a stupid name and is jealous of everyone that has a cool name (like me).

Viewtiful Joe

Back when the old-school days of gaming was considered new-school, games were simple. Generally, the story lines consisted of one of two plot-complications:

A. You have to save the world from some evil guy who either aspires to conquer it or flat out destroy it, or
B. You’re girlfriend gets captured so you have to rescue her

This was accomplished in either one of two ways:

A. Kill everything that gets in your way, or
B. Kick the living crap out of everything that gets in you way

Viewtiful Joe falls into both B categories.

Proving once and for all that pink is not only a manly color, but a color capable of enabling awesome ass-kicking powers to whomever dons it, Joe embarks on an epic quest to rescue his girlfriend, Silvia, who has been taken hostage by freaky guys who live in a movie. The object of the game is to kick ass and look fabulous while doing so. In fact, he even has a move that the game describes as: “Strike a pose that’s just too cool and damage all the enemies on the screen. A killer technique.” Similar to Contra, Joe attacks aggressively, but unlike the overall pussiness Arnold and Danny embody in actually bothering to use guns, Joe takes on wave after wave of bad guys with his bare hands. This is not exclusive to footsoldiers. It also includes tanks, assault helicopters, Harrier jump-jets, humongously buff Strong Mad clones, and strange mutated sharks with arms and legs.

God of War – damn-near everything

Ridiculous moves, ridiculous puzzles, somewhat ridiculous story line (which isn't that ridiculous by video game standards but incredibly ridiculous by other standards)... this game really does have it all. A threesome, gratuitous violence, (hopefully) a battered women's ward, deicide, human sacrifice, a king-sized Titan sentenced to carry a fucking heavy palace on his back for all eternity (just look at his face, man! he deserves to be euthanized!) lots of topless girls (or see-through tops), a buff-ass Spartan warrior sitting on a throne...

A Mr. Armageddon tangent:

This is the type of trend-setting game that gets cloned till kingdom come. Cloud Strife and Raiden may be whiney little prisses, but at least Kratos is still a man. Also: for anyone thinking this game is sexist because just about all the women in it are topless should take note: Kratos is in a fucking loincloth. I was gonna wear a loincloth cosplaying as Gollum for the Return of the King premier but it was too cold. However, when I saw how many nerds were there I started thinking I should have come as my second choice: a big evil Sauron clubbing geeks out of the way with his Morning Star.

Anyway, for all you PC Thugs out there, just remember that this is the type of double-standard that tends to set off a great many bullshit detectors. Think pro wrestling is sexist because most of the female wrestlers are in bikinis? Dude, the male wrestlers are wearing speedos (with boots, no less)! I'm all for equality and whatnot, but seriously, men can be seen as sex-objects, too.

Metal Slug X – the enemies

Very similar to Contra, though not quite as ridiculous (but it’s still pretty high on the scale) the Metal Slug series has some pretty ridiculous bad guys. Observe:

Above we have the ridiculous flying tank-dropping contraption. Why does it drop tanks on you? Well, it’s my theory that the idiot engineers who designed it added a built-in tank factory but didn’t bother to include a munitions factory. So because they obviously don’t have any ammo, they just toss the tanks at you instead.

Our heroes take on an army of Arab-looking soldiers lead by a man who bears a striking resemblance to Saddam Hussein who is eventually discovered to be in league with an army of evil aliens. When we finally encounter Saddam Hussein at the close of the game, we see him laughing hysterically, apparently amazed at his own genius. But when the aliens turn on him and abduct him we must team up with the Iraqis to rescue him—and not a moment too soon, because once rescued, we find poor Saddam strapped to a steal bed, presumably about to get anal probed.

While we’re on the subject...

Fugitive Hunter – the end boss

There he is everybody, public enemy number one: Osama bin Laden himself! I haven’t actually played this game, but based on the testimony of my fellow gamers, it sucks. Although the prospect of kicking bin Laden’s ass is pretty cool (even to a peacenik like myself) I’d have to say that the delivery in this game is what makes it so ridiculous. Osama, who is apparently a graduated student of Mr. Kesuke Miyagi, fights via an outrageous Kung fu style showing off his surprisingly limber physique. Upon defeating the dastardly terrorist, we see whoever the hell it is we play as kick Osama out of a flying helicopter (from three different camera angles, I’m told. Just like in Goldeneye).

F-Zero X – character profiles

This is a great racing game, make no mistake, but arguably, the most fun I had with it was laughing at the ridiculous character profiles in the instruction booklet. Here are the choice entries:

Octoman
Age: Unknown
“He represents the planet Takora, an enemy of the Milky Way Federation. Takorans are intent on showing their advanced intelligence in the universe.”

And they’re going to do this by racing cars? It gets better:

Michael Chain
Age: 35
“He’s the leader of the Bloody Chain gang. Michael participates in the Grand Prix to show off his driving skills to members of his gang. Since he rarely wins, members are slowly leaving the gang.”

The Bloody Chain gang? That’s almost as good as Tom Sawyer’s gang (which is called “Tom Sawyer’s Gang”). And why does he keep racing if he always loses, especially since that makes members leave?

Bio Rex
Age: 8
“This dinosaur is a product of bio-technology. Through this technology, his brain has become very similar to a human’s. If he wins the Grand Prix, he will prove that he’s superior to humans.”

He will? Even more superior than Octoman? And how exactly does winning a race prove that you’re superior? Why not invent a matter transporter or figure out a way to get cold fusion to work? Seriously, winning a race isn’t that great, even if it’s done at a 1000 miles per hour.

Jack Levin
Age: 18
“Jack’s a favorite of the female fans. Any merchandise with his face on it sells out immediately. While most people talk about his good looks and popularity, not too many people mention his driving skill.”

Why not? Does he suck?

Billy
Age: 6
“Billy is the first monkey to participate in F-Zero. He’s out to prove that monkey’s are the superior species.”

What? Again with this superiority bullshit? Is that the whole point and purpose of F-Zero? To prove that whatever race wins is better than humans? Okay, I think I’ve had enough of this.

Contra – sorry, not done with you yet. The Bosses

A picture is worth a thousand words. Observe:

When this guy isn't vomiting corrosive acid-barf (that contains dead bodies, for some reason), he's spitting mosquitoes, annoying little grub guys and purple shit out his nose. In other words, he has the most miserable existence imaginable. That's why I have no remorse whatsoever when I kill him.	The headbanging terminator who gets decapitated, falls down and catches fire. He also suffers from a horrible design flaw: whenever he opens his mouth to spit napalm at you, he exposes a rather conspicuous weak spot. Will game villains ever learn?

The PlayStation 2 version alone has some of the most ridiculous bosses in history. Below we have the big, giant water-skiing, ass-rocket-propelled robot:

I understand how the missiles are being propelled but how are they being steered?

I would argue that because this guy has a rocket ass, he doesn’t need to be water-skiing. Upon destroying his “motorboat,” he keeps going thanks to his rocket ass, which is why me and my brother decided that it isn’t really a motorboat, it’s a dog. You see, this robot went out one day to take his dog for a walk (or rather, take his dog for a swim) but then we came along and ruined everything. He has no choice but to defend himself, which is why he attacks. You may have noticed that Arnold is now riding a missile, which is ridiculous in its own right. If you decide to go two-player, you will also find that Danny Glover has been replaced with a chick, possibly Sigourney Weaver (y’know, cause she fights aliens).

Turok: Dinosaur Hunter – repeatedly kill the same guy

Turok is a pretty ridiculous game. You play as Turok, an incredibly buff Indian with some of the most sadistic weaponry in any game, ever. After dying, Turok has a dramatic respawning animation in which he spins around in the air above the last checkpoint he crossed and then proclaims his one line in the entire game: “I am Turok!” The enemies are even more ridiculous. There are poachers (Indian poachers?), raptors, four-armed aliens, big gorilla guys called “Pur-lins,” raptors with laser-shooting helmets, and huge robots that speak in tongues when you kill them. All they need are dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you and we’ll have all our bases covered. (I have also discovered that in the Turok multiplayer game there’s a weapon that’s basically a sledgehammer with a grenade stuck on the end that explodes upon impact. What could be more awesome than that?) But by far, the most ridiculous thing in the game is this: blow the crap out of a guy with whatever explosive gun you happen to be armed with and watch him fly up in the air screaming and trailing blood. This is hilarious in it’s own right, but after the guy’s been killed, blow up his body again... and watch him fly up in the air screaming and trailing blood again. Either he wasn’t quite dead or the shock of the explosion jumpstarted his heart right at the moment of impact, thus resuscitating and killing him simultaneously. I would credit this phenomenon to simply being a mere glitch in the game, but seeing as how this can done to almost every single villain you encounter, I really have to conclude that the developers deliberately put that in there because of how utterly hilarious it is.

Castlevania series - Legion

As Electronic Gaming Monthly once said, "There's something that's just undeniably awesome about a big giant flying ball of dead bodies."

Half-life – the meat processing plant

The Black Mesa research facility is a top-secret government laboratory where scientists work around the clock to build new kinds of weapons, invent kickass portal technology, and do something with meat processing. Seriously. This facility has a meat processing plant. Why? My guess is it was put there just in case anything goes wrong (like, for instance, if this portal technology inadvertently opens a gateway into another dimension giving evil otherworldly creatures instant access to the puny humans of earth) and the military comes in to neutralize the threat and they have to kill whoever’s responsible and dispose of his body. The meat processing plant is there to eliminate the evidence. Whoever built this thing really planned ahead.

Half-Life 2 - The Ending

The nonsensical endings to end all nonsensicle endings.

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty: Liquid’s arm

In the original Metal Gear Solid game, main bad guy Liquid Snake is a tough guy to kill. (Incidentally, he is named such because he is the twin brother of lead character Solid Snake.) Shooting missiles at him in a Hind helicopter doesn’t kill him, shooting down the helicopter and witnessing its fantastic explosion and big towering flames doesn’t kill him, blowing him up in a big, giant nuclear-equipped bipedal tank doesn’t kill him, knocking him of the top of this big, giant nuclear-equipped bipedal tank doesn’t kill him, shooting him about fifty times in the head during the escape sequence doesn’t kill him, getting into a car crash at the end doesn’t kill him, but then, finally, he has a heart attack and that kills him.

Enter Metal Gear Solid 2. We find that Liquid’s right hand man, Revolver Ocelot (who got his arm severed off by an invisible robot ninja—don’t ask) has now removed Liquid’s arm and grafted it onto his body (which, I guess, makes Liquid the right hand man). Towards the beginning of the game, this happens: (please excuse the crappiness of these digital shots taken directly off a TV screen.)

This event—wait a minute! I’m receiving a message from beyond the grave! Pardon me—this is unexpected—he wishes to speak through me directly. I AM HERE, OH LORD OF DARKNESS!

I am Ridiculor! Bringer of all that is ridiculous! Behold my majesty, diminutive weaklings, and fear my neon claws! I am speaking through my greatest disciple in the quest to spread the Word of Ridiculous. I come to tell you that through my demonic intervention, I entered the minds of Konami and placed upon them a task, a task to integrate the single most ridiculous story element of all time into a game that would otherwise have been lacking the sufficient amount of ridiculousness! Now I must depart, for I have dancing robots, monkeys wearing intelligence-enhancing hardhats, versus movies involving well-known thrasher movie characters and aliens, giant fire-breathing arthropods with lasers in their eyes, and plagues of mutant zombie cowboys to oversee! But remember that I am always watching you and if you defy my ridiculous plan I will buy all the apartments in the world that are above the thirty-second floor and melt the earth’s icecaps up to that level so that I alone will own all the world’s real estate and you will have to answer to me! BWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Whoa! Thanks for the stigmata, master. What a trip!

Anyway, on with the next item.

Contra: Shattered Soldier – a miniboss

Currently, I do not have a picture of this ridiculous miniboss, so unfortunately my words may not do it justice. Instead, I’ll just rely on the possibility that your imaginations may actually make it more outrageous, so here goes.

In the fifth level, you encounter a horrible mutant creature... A big-giant-snail-with-a-humvee-for-a-shell! Is this the most ridiculous boss ever? Actually no (see below), but it shoots grenades and tries to run you over, making it very similar to other Contra bosses (aside from the fact that none of these other bosses are big-giant-snails-with-humvees-for-shells). Too bad there’s no salt gun. That would’ve really come in handy. When it dies, it even looks like it just got salted. (Maybe this gun does shoot salt...?)

Jet Grind Radio – the end boss

Jet Grind Radio is a game about roller blading street gangs in the Japanese city of “Tokyoto” who spray paint just about everywhere. And even though the music in this game is so hip it actually made my head explode on three semi-consecutive occasions, the story starts off like one would expect: rival street gangs. In no time flat, however, the story morphs into an international conspiracy involving an evil corporation’s desire to conquer the world. Their plan? Build a big-giant-demon-summoning-record-player that can only be defeated by spray painting on a bunch of rhinoceros statues. I’m not making this up, seriously. That’s how you have to beat it, and it’s HARD!

Now, there are two basic reasons why this is more ridiculous than the big-giant-snail-with-a-humvee-for-a-shell.

The big-giant-snail-with-a-humvee-for-a-shell doesn’t summon demons, and
The big-giant-snail-with-a-humvee-for-a-shell isn’t defeated by spray painting on a bunch of rhinoceros statues.

If the big-giant-snail-with-a-humvee-for-a-shell had any one of the above, then this would be a tie. If it had both, then, well, it would be the clear victor. But seeing as how it has neither one of these two things, it’s only just behind the big-giant-demon-summoning-record-player.

Still, it’s not the most ridiculous moment in video game history. That award goes to...

Halo – The Maw

The escape sequence in Halo is the lamest thing I’ve ever had to do in a video game, ever. As a result, it is the most ridiculous. Now, basically what happens is—oh, shit, I’m having another stigmata. Well, here comes the boss!

Ridiculor returns! As I observed my awesome human underling I realized that his feeble being couldn’t possibly describe The Maw in a way that is anywhere near as ridiculous as it needs to be, which is why I have repossessed him!

Go ahead! Just try to come up with a rational explanation as to why this game transforms from a first-person shooter into Tony Hawk’s ATV Ramp Rampage! When you destroy the crashed spaceship at the end you KNEW that the escape wasn’t going to be easy! Why would you even ask, ‘Who the HELL would build a spaceship with a skate park?’ because such a conjecture is futile! The only reason why a ridiculous system of ramps, tunnels, and jumps were built into the spaceship was just a measure to be sure that in case someone had to blow it up for whatever reason, the way out would be that much more infuriating! Now, it is time for me to leave once again but fear not! For the Unholy Ridiculous Empire is growing!

Wow, thanks, master! You saved me the trouble of having to describe that myself.

And now my loyal readers, I, too, must depart. And stay ridiculous!