List of Hot Men Who Really Aren't

By Rain Souza

Before I go any further, I have to make a statement about men and women: Men are a very visual species--most of them can go out with the most psychotic bitch in existence as long as she’s hot (whatever that means). Hell, most guys would go out with Satan if Satan were a hot chick (and don’t deny it guys: you would go out with Satan if Satan looked like Adriana Lima).

Mr. Armageddon's note: I would totally follow this face into hell.

Usually with guys, their status with their peers is directly correlated to the hotness of the woman on their arm. Should a guy go out with an ugly chick, he will deny it, or cave under pressure, dump the ugly chick, get a hot chick, and sneak around with the ugly chick he dumped in the first place.

For the guys who are confused as to how an “ugly” guy winds up with a hot chick (or any chick for that matter), let me fill you in on a few secrets:

1)	We can go out with the ugliest motherfucker in existence, but it doesn’t matter to us as long as he treats us well and/or has a sense of humor. For the gold digging whore, it really, really doesn’t matter what he looks like--and the reasons should be obvious.

2)	We do not have to justify ourselves to our girlfriends. As long as we tell them the qualities mentioned above, they will not give us shit over our boyfriend’s superficial qualities or lack thereof.

“Ugly” guys, sometimes having been spurned by women (because there are a few shallow bitches who do think looks are everything), will consider himself lucky if he has a girlfriend, as he most likely will have been spurned in the past. Therefore, said “ugly” guy will make damned sure to keep his woman laughing, happy, and satisfied (and I mean that in every sense of the word). As a result, “ugly” guys are usually better kissers, lovers, and boyfriends/husbands.

Please keep the above in mind as I submit the following list of Hot Men Who Aren’t:

Subject A: Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy--or any other emo guy, for that matter
	He's so Emo he can't see shit.

First off, emo guys just aren’t hot--they look more like girls than most girls do, with all the hair product and eye makeup and the tight pants that look better on them than most women. I would not want to go out with a guy who A) wears more eye makeup than I do; B) Cries more than I do (I’m the woman in the relationship, for crying out loud--pun intended); and C) Whines more than a prissy girl on PMS when she’s retaining water, there’s no chocolate to be found in a ten mile radius, and the sale at Ambercrombie and Fitch ended two minutes ago. I mean, I’m all for guys sharing their feelings and sensitivity, but when a guy is more emotional than a woman, it’s just disturbing.

Subject B: Colin Farrell
	Boo fucking hoo!

I know a lot of girls are gonna give me shit for this, but I really don’t see what the big deal is with Colin Farrell. First off, the guy’s an alcoholic, and baggage like that just isn’t sexy. Come to think of it, the whole “bad boy” thing just isn’t sexy at all, because most bad boys are nothing more than immature douchebags trying to play it cool like James Dean, and instead of coming off as “Rebel Without a Cause” it ends up more like “Rebel Without a Clue or Solid Grip on Reality” which in my book translates in to sad and pathetic. Not only that, the whole “dirty and unshaven” thing doesn’t work when you have a bit of a baby face--it reminds me of fourteen-year-old boys who won’t shave the caterpillar moustaches off their faces--it’s just funny in a sad way.

Subject C: Justin Timberlake

First off, Justin Timberlake didn’t do anyone any favors when he brought Sexy back, because it was never gone to begin with. Besides, it’s hard to think of him as sexy or hot when he sounds like a chick dispelling the pleasures of lightly dabbling in S&M. Beyond that, the guy’s a whigger (and for the uninitiated, a whigger is a white person who tries, for reasons unknown, to pass themselves off as black) who got his ghetto pass revoked when he blamed the Superbowl incident (and if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you’re either a hermit or so fucking clueless that you should just go and play on the freeway during rush hour) entirely upon Janet Jackson instead of sharing the responsibility or accepting the consequences like a real man would have. (Mr. A: It should also be noted that because of him and Janet Jacksons stupid fucking titty (that wasn't even fully exposed) we now can no longer see anything as simple as a bare ass on television. Why can't we just be like the Europeans? They have topless beaches and don't give a good shit about it.)

Subject D: Ashton Kutcher

Intelligence is very sexy, but hiding the fact that you have some isn’t. Before Ashton Kutcher started as a model and before he was an actor, he was studying biochemical engineering--and to the best of my knowledge, that isn’t an intellectual cakewalk. Unfortunately, Kutcher goes on this list for passing himself off as an utter knucklehead. But not only that, he does look a little too effeminate…and he’s married to Demi Moore (who is on the List of Hot Women Who Aren’t), and has stepdaughters who in reality would be more like his little sisters. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

Subject E: The Entire Cast of Jackass

They’re nothing more than a bunch of immature meathead stuntmen and skaters with a death wish and proclivities for gross humor. End of story.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions: Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, Orlando Bloom, Sean Connery and Jack Nicholson

Brad Pitt is handsome, but I think he’s highly overrated. Brownie points for current humanitarian efforts and dumping the self-involved Jennifer Anniston, but he loses them all on suspicion that the sudden altruistic efforts having been just a way to get into Angelina Jolie’s pants.

Leonardo DiCaprio is a handsome guy, but he looks too much like my baby brother. These are my rules, I make them up. But major props for humanitarian and environmental efforts.

Orlando Bloom is too much of a pretty boy…he’d probably spend more time than most women getting ready to go out.

Sean Connery is old enough to be your grandfather (great-granfather, in some cases)…and being attracted to him is just plain wrong.

Same goes for Nicholson, and why any woman would be attracted to him--charm and kickass season seats to Knicks games notwithstanding--is far beyond me.