List Of Ugly Women Everyone Thinks Are Hot Part 2: The Revenge

This is Part 2 of an older piece. If you're looking at this one first, I suggest you go back and check out Part 1 at the following link:

Ugly Women Everyone Thinks Are Hot

Now let's begin.

Appearing first on the brand new, second edition of my formerly most popular page until The Simpsons took over, is Jennifer Garner. Ms. Garner is at the top of this list mostly due to the fact that I think she's kind of hot, but not quite. She's not as overrated as some of the other ladies who will be appearing on this later on, so allow me to go off on yet another patented...

Mr. Armageddon Tangent (TM)

I hate Kevin and Bean. The long-standing morning DJs at KROQ radio in Los Angeles are very funny, mind you, but I used to think Jennifer Garner was smoking hot. Then they ruined it for me when one of them (because I can't tell their voices apart) mentioned that her lips look like a duck. "No way," I thought, but I still couldn't get the image of a duck-lipped Jen out of my head. So, using my school's computer network as well as the beautiful productivity-killer known as the internet, I did a quick web search. The result was not pleasing:

Sorry Jen. You're off my hot chick list. You can thank Kevin and Bean.

The Enormous Mouth Annex

Here I go with a short list of women who would be hot if not for disproportionately large mouths.

Cameron Diaz.

First, I'm sick of parents mixing up gender-specific names. I'd be pretty pissed if I was named Courtney, or something. Maybe I'm just too narrow-minded. I mean, Metro does seem to be rather popular these days, but I don't meet too many guys with names like Betty or Hortencia. But I have encountered plenty of female Seans and Taylors, though. Second, well, Cameron Diaz is a butterface. Plain and simple. Smallerize that mouth by 10% or so, and I might put her in the "maybe" file, but I also have a thing against plastic surgery, so perhaps not.

Daryl Hannah

Is this a trend? Giving big-mouthed ladies typically male names? Oh, well. Maybe their parents thought she was a guy, what with the chiseled, masculine jaw-line and whatnot. And to think, she's appeared in Playboy. What gets me is that there are people nowadays who say Daryl Hannah at least used to be hot but it managed to wear off over the years. I disagree. Take a look at the picture on the left, circa early 80s. Not much has changed, which is good when you consider that she actually has aged quite well, but bad when you consider that there wasn't much to work with from the start. I'll give her brownie points for that accomplishment, but not much else.

Tricia Hefler

This must be one of those "nergasm" things, sorta like when I used to see geeks drooling for Lucy Lawless. Now, admittedly, Tricia Hefler is pretty hot from the neck down, and while the chest region is usually the first part of a woman I notice, I still think the face is key. I mean, females usually don't appreciate it when guys have heated conversations with their decolletage, but when the face looks like this, I really can't blame them. However, seeing as Tricia Hefler is famous, and it's not likely anyone reading this has or will ever meet her, there is a solution:

Ah, much better!

And finally...

Giada: "I'll swallow your soul!"

Giada de Laurentiis

Queen of the Enormous Mouth Annex. Actually, I don't know anyone who thinks she's hot, I just put her on here because it's a little too perfect not to.

The WWE Diva Annex

Now this is what really brings my blood to a rapid boil. Ugly wrestlers.

Trish Stratus

I'll start with Trish Stratus since I'm fairly certain she's not in the WWE, anymore. Nor should she have ever been. In fact, she would do well on the Enormous Mouth Annex. And if I made an Obviously Fake Breast Annex, she could be on that one, too. And when I used to see her "wrestling" matches (which usually had little to no actual wrestling but plenty of aggressive clothing removal of both herself and her opponent), I distinctly heard the crowd cheering. Seriously, are the guys who like women like this blind, or closeted homosexuals? It's okay, guys. Be who you are. "Oh, that thing's got big boobs, I guess that's what dudes are into so I should be into that, too, since I'm at once an impressionable moron and I'm not sure what hot women tend to look like because I'm not attracted to any." Or so says the guy who fools himself into thinking that Trish Stratus is attractive in any way.

Debra Marshal

I don't think I've ever seen breasts that fake before. And I know I'm still into some of the older divas (like, back when it was still called the WWF). But I wanted to get this out there. I'm still wondering if the above photograph is actually Debra Marshal and not a drag queen/celebrity impersonator. Even her former husband Stone Cold Steve Austin seemed to agree when he beat the hell out of her (which I will admit is a very low thing for a man to do). Still, if that IS her real body, those concrete knockers don't look like they'd float too well in the water behind her. And I really hated when ring announcer Jerry "The King" Lawler used to clamor for her "puppies." I always secretly hoped he was referring to some animal refuge Debra had going, but my luck is never that good. Even The King is fooled by fake breasts.

Katie Lea

Are you kidding? Maybe she's hot if you use the thumb trick again, but seriously.

Some guys must be desperate.

Now, before I continue, I just want to elaborate on something for a moment. Many of you may have noticed that most (if not all) of the women on this list are just butterfaces (butterface referring to when everything on a woman is hot but her face, in case you're wondering). I'm willing to bet that a likely reason why guys think these women are hot is because most of them have hot bodies. So let me demonstrate why I think faces are far more important. Take the following test.

The Guess The Famous Hot Chick Test

Rules: See if you can tell who these ladies are by simply looking at their bodies.

Click here for the answers.

Does that illustrate my point well enough? Hope so, because I'm not explaining it again.

Now, onto the highly anticipated (even though I didn't tell anyone I was gonna do it)...

The Ugly Porn Star Annex

And I'm revisiting my favorite ugly hot chick.

Jenna Jameson

And I say "favorite" because she's the best example of an ugly babe everyone thinks is hot. So why am I mentioning her again? Because I've been criticized by dumbasses saying shit like, "BUT MR GAYMAGEDDON! YOUR ONLY USING BAD PICTERS WITH NO MAKUP!" And then they show me this shit:

Sorry to burst your bubble, people, but ANYONE can look good under heavy makeup, proper lighting and a good Photoshop artist. Observe:


Gary Busey before	Gary Busey after

Willem Dafoe before	Willem Dafoe after

Now, just imagine them with thick makeup and decent lighting and you'd never know that these are some of the ugliest men in Hollywood.

Now, back from this tangent...


Yeah, that chick. Trust me, I ain't gonna take off my pants and jacket for this one.

Janine Lindemulder

And to think, I Think We're Shitty, Too (parody of Blink 182--I know, I was really stretching for that one) actually went into their own porn collections to find the cover girl for their most popular album. In other words, Blink's love of this masculine-faced, rock-hard-bosomed lady not only solidifies my hatred of their so-high-pitched-they-must-have-been- neutered singing, but it also solidifies my theory that some men really have no taste at all.

Yes, this is a porno. Vandalized by yours truly.

Without the chest and makeup, I might actually have thought this was a guy. And now, for a record breaking fifth time in a single article (I think)...

A Mr. Armageddon Tangent (TM)

Guys are suckers. Seriously. We'll do just about anything for a pretty face, and judging based on the women above, we'll do anything for a pretty fugly face, too. And we can't tell the difference between real breasts or fake breasts. Well, some of us can't. I can. So I am now generously providing the following.

How to spot a fake

The proof is in the pudding. Fake breasts are a lot like video. Technically, video is clearer than film because it has no grain. But that's the problem. The human eye has a natural grain, so film--which is grainy--looks better than video. Seriously, close your eyes tightly right now. You'll be able to see your eye's natural grain. Now look at a live television broadcast as compared to a prerecorded one. The prerecorded one will look more realistic. Why? Because video is too perfect. It's the same with fake breasts. Observe:


Real	Fake

I don't care how big or small a pair of jugs may be, real boobs sag. Unless the girl's chest is as flat as her back, gravity's gonna kick in at some point. Fake boobs, however, hardly sag at all. They constantly maintain an almost perfectly circular shape, which real boobs don't do. See?

Don't buy it? Try this one

Notice the shape of the jugs on the left compared to the jugs on the right. I hope my censoring doesn't cover up too much because it's important to realize the difference. Now you try: