I swear, my hometown is against me. Lived in Riverside a long time and don’t hate it? Get a job as a pizza delivery driver. You’ll hate this town like Tybalt hates hell and all Montagues. Seriously, what genius thought it’d be a great idea to build more than one street that have the same name? There’s three streets called Beaty, three streets called Tomlinson, Campbell and Gramercie are both segmented, and—get this—there’s seven, that’s right SEVEN streets all called Diana, all lined up in a row along the 91. What the fuck? They could at least have numbered them Diana 1, Diana 2, Diana 3, but no. And then the dipshits who actually reside on the infernal spawn of evil that is that street call up my store and then don’t even know where the fuck they live. “Let’s see…is the cross street Crowell? No, maybe it’s closer to Adams.” And then I end up having to drive all the way down to Harrison to take this dumbshit’s fucking delivery. Jeez, this town is so lame we have a street named after a president who died in thirty days. Man, I hate people.

I remember when there was talk of connecting the two Central’s together to alleviate traffic, but no, the rich people in Canyon Crest couldn’t stand having traffic come through their precious mess of a labyrinthine neighborhood so they’d rather drive in traffic to get to it! And then all the reject OC blowhards who can’t afford to live in rich-bitch city anymore move into Riverside and can’t get over how much they hate it. They move to Orange Crest—God’s country. Then those dipshit OC fascists get their panties in a wad because a much needed high school starts being built down there to be known as Martin Luther King. They won’t hear of it! They’re racist pieces of shit! Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with them? To this day they still refuse to call it by it's real name, it’s just “King High.” Seriously, there must be something in Orange County’s water supply because it certainly isn’t in the air. I know because all their smog blows inland, so not only do I have to deal with my town’s filthy air, but Orange County’s filthy air, as well. I’ve lived here so long I can’t even go up to the mountains without having smog withdrawal. I don’t trust the atmosphere up there. Never breathe what you can’t see, people.

And yet, somehow more people keep moving in. Let me go down the list: corner of Adams and Indiana, corner of Central and Chicago, corner of Chicago and MLK (they actually tore down orange groves on that one), right there on Van Buren in between Challen Hill and the Food 4 Less. Let’s see, where else are dumbshit’s and/or fascist apartment complexes going up? There’s a new one on Polk, I know. And trust me, if an apartment complex isn’t fascist, it’s dumbshit (or both). Here’s an example of one that's both: you drive through the gate after having performed an act of sodomy on it to get to open, and pass by building 3. Then you pass building 8. Then you pass building 4. Then you pass building 906. These idiots can’t even count!

I swear, if I were a billionaire, I’d buy up all the empty space in Riverside and then leave it empty so no else would be able to build anything on it. In fact, I’d even buy up stuff that used to be empty and tear down the building so that’s it’s empty once more, of course, after having evicted all residents and making them swear oaths never return to Riverside again under penalty of being catapulted out of town.

Here’s my universal advice for the human race: don’t move to California. There’s enough people here, as it is, and if you think they’re idiots for putting up housing tracts at their so discretion without bothering to build any new roads to get to them, then you better believe they’re too stupid to even consider where the fuck all that water is gonna come from. Besides, this place is overrated. If, for whatever dunderheadly reason you some how do end up moving to SoCal, please don’t move to Riverside. And for the love of all that’s decent, don’t have kids! I need to invent a microwave gun to fire at my neighbor’s genitals to prevent them from reproducing. Y’see? This is how you save the world. Know what I think? I think people do this shit just to piss me off. The whole fucking world is against me. In fact, that’s why God made the universe, for the sole purpose of pissing me off. Now you know why you exist, people! I just revealed the hitherto unknown meaning of life! God built it all just to piss me off!

Damn, I'm spent. I think I'll go hit a pillow.