It's true. People are now using the word "awesome" as a noun. For instance: I can say something like, "I have just injected you with a near-fatal dose of AWESOME!" How can I get away with this? Because I have my masters in both Awesomeology and Awesomeonomy. In fact, I invented both those fields of study. I'm like Luke Skywalker, only instead of using the Force I use the Awesome (which is better than the Force).

Actor Steve McQueen is the progenitor of all modern awesome.

He was born in 1930 when an earthquake mixed several different wells of concentrated awesome buried deep within the crust (that scientists speculate was put there by a really awesome race of alien rock stars) and out came the most awesome man in history. He was also born with a mullet and one of those guitars that are, like, double guitars. When he died, the awesome inside him was dispersed throughout the world and returned back to small, isolated spots of awesome under the surface that impregnate unsuspecting women who happen by (and now you know where I came from). Through him all awesome was made.

It is now widely understood by archeologists that the first man to tap awesome wells may have been Beowulf.

Of course, it is possible that Beowulf didn't actually exist but c'mon. How many people can go underwater for a day and fight off sea creatures and dragons and hold the mouths of big giant snakes open?

Awesome has an implacable enemy. It is known as "stupid." Unlike awesome, however, stupid cannot be traced back to a single source, although if you want to know who its leaders are, you need look no further than Washington.

Sages have foretold that one day Steve McQueen will return to lead us in the final victory over stupid.

If you want a good example of just how stupid the human race can be, then you might already know. After all, you're on the internet, and the internet has linked stupidity together in a way that was never before possible. During The Simpsons strike a few years back it was rumored Fox was going to hire new actors to play (and possibly change the voices of) classic characters. On a forum I posted this cartoon and jokingly referred to Fox as "the infernal spawn of evil." I was then ridiculed by an online idiot for allegedly blasting a company that hired scabs. The trouble is, I never said anything about scabs. In case you're wondering, I don't hate Fox for that reason, I hate them because aside from The Simpsons, they put really shitty programming on the air. Luckily, I was able to destroy this idiot by just sitting at my computer being awesome, which is always the best defense.

Stay true, stay awesome.

Armageddon bounce.