Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, Degeneration-X proudly brings to you, the Crown Prince of Awesome in the Woooooooooorld!... Mr. Armageddon himself! *Cue cheering crowd*

Forgive me for going all nostalgic on everyone. Wrestling was so much more fun for me before there was a Pay-Per-View event every month. Yokozuna threatening to sit on the American Flag was huge.

It's been called a soap opera for men. One minute someone's the apple of the audience's eye, the next minute he flip-flops and turns evil. The story lines are ludicrous. I mean, if I worked in dispatch for the Greenwich police I'd tell Vince McMahon to shove it if he called me saying, "The Undertaker is at my house!" And when he kidnapped Stephanie McMahon, why didn't the camera operator win an Emmy for brilliantly planning to be sitting inside the limo Stephanie was trapped in when the chauffeur turned around and revealed his face to be none other than The Undertaker himself. "Where to, Stephanie!" Ha, ha, ha! Trust me, that man can not pull off a chauffeur's hat (unless laughter is the reaction he's aiming for).

I know what some of you may be thinking. "It's all fake!" I'm here to tell you that, well, you're partly right. It is rigged. And some moves are really, horribly, laughably painless.

		Mankind falling through cage and almost dying: totally 100 percent NOT staged.

But then you'll see stuff that's almost fatal. Heck, Owen Hart actually died in the ring.

So given that wrestling is nowhere near as popular as it once was (especially now that WCW is dead and the WWF was forced to change names to WWE), the controversy of pro wrestling has died somewhat. I'm not just talking about if it's fake or not. Back in the day, The Undertaker "crucified" Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that didn't take too well with the Christian crowd. Then there's how they treat women.

	I find it rather amusing that she had time to get ready for the ass-plant but did nothing to actually stop it.

That's definitely not the type of thing you see men do in wrestling, although it should be noted that the dudes typically wear about the same amount as the babes.

In fact, Brock Lesnar actually looks more like Jenna Jameson than Dolph Lundgren.

The resemblance is astounding.

It reminds me of Voldemort's alter ego.

But I digress.

The players

Stone Cold Steve Austin: real blood

It amazes me that a wife-beating redneck became so popular. The guy definitely has talent, but jeez. Why idolized a drunken hick? It's like the Scarface phenomenon. I see teenagers with tee-shirts depicting Tony Montana all sitting pretty in his throne. The man was a thug and murderer. That's what kids are aspiring to be? Oh well. It doesn't really matter.

My mom once observed that it must be a testosterone thing. Fortunately, it's not that simple. It's also about tights, steroids, short tempers, boasting of epic and often overexagerated levels, and unabashed arrogance. For example, The Rock is so conceited he considers his body parts to be public property even though he doesn't allow the open public in any close proximity unless it's separated by a barrier or autograph table.

Guess what, Rock! Your damn bodyparts DON'T BELONG TO ANYONE BUT YOU!

Sorry to shout, but that's how I feel.

The Weak...

Are always the first to fall.

Mourn for the lost Spanish announce table.

The weapons

Everything is made out of steel according to the announcers, even things that are obviously aluminum.

Steel chair, obviously aluminum.
	Steel traschcan, also obviously aluminum.
		Steel steps, most likely real steel.

The title belt

Now here's the thing about WWE title belts: they're invincible. I've seen men bashed with chairs, sledgehammers, barbed-wire baseball bats, plummets from high places, and even thrown through plates of tempered glass. After having such things performed on a man, he might still get back up, but there's one sure fire way to put a wrestler down and keep him there: smack him with a title belt.

The awesome and terrible power of a WWE title belt.

There is no weapon more powerful. Against the onslaught of title belts, nothing can stand. The only defense is a good dodge, but doing so usually manages to hit whoever's standing behind you. Still, the WWE title belt is the most powerful weapon known to man, which leads me to my next point:

How to win the war on terrorism

Arm US soldiers with standard issue military title belts. Observe:

Man, what a great idea.

So ultimately I'd have to say that even though I watch it very seldom these days, I don't hate wrestling.