Having been inspired by my Disney princess guide to finding the perfect girl (and trust me, no one inspires me more than me--just look at how many times I can use the word "me" in a single sentence; ME ME ME ME ME ME ME--but me is also inspired by many others, as you will learn by the end of this sentence), I decided it was perhaps time to compile an obligatory list of hot cartoon babes, as many other satire websites often do. However, realizing that animated beauties such as Amy Wong and Jessica Rabbit have already been mentioned (quite likely multiple times), I decided to mix it up a bit by instead compiling a list of hot video game babes, which has also been done a bajillion times, I'd wager, but oh well. Frankly, when I consider how huge a game freak I am I have to wonder why I've written so little about video games on this site. So here it is for you, wonderful readers, my list of hot video game babes.

But first...

I do need to get this out of the way right here right now. The following will NOT be appearing on my list of hotties.

Also...

Flynn DeMarco of gaygamer.net: "This is what dudes are into, now?"	This won't end well for Ryu.

Chun Li would have made the list if the Street Fighter gang hadn't decided to start taking a new strain of steroids that forms new muscle groups previously unknown to humankind. In other words, because of the upcoming Street Fighter IV, Chun Li is too masculine.

And especially not the chick from Double Dragon. She's too high maintenance. First she gets captured, then she dies and you have to bring her back to life, then she vanishes off the face of the earth, and then she gets captured again. If I were Billy Lee, I'd let her go after the disappearance.

Three strikes and you're out, bay-buh doll.

Also, this list will not feature actual, real life gamer babes, so I thought it prudent to mention a few here just to prove that I do love chicks who exist in reality (though I'd likely only meet them in a parallel reality).

Jenn Frank: Still my honey (middle fingers edited by her on her blog). Almost pictured: the also kinda cute Karen Chu.	Upper right-hand corner: Raychul Moore. Still the hottest gamer babe in the universe. Sorry, don't know who the other three are but it's likely they're also gamer babes since I found the pic on the 1up.com community pages.

So no more dillydallying.

15) Chell

I put the protagonist from Portal at the top of this list because I'm a bit conflicted. I still haven't decided if I think she's hot, even though I will admit that I thinks she's beautiful. I'm a firm believer in the idea that "beauty" and "prettiness" are two separate things, and I think most of the characters on this list fit the latter category. Chell, however, is an odd one. She fits the often-used video game device I like to call the "heroic mute" (in which the character you play as never speaks because that makes it easier to role play) which is nice because nothing's worse than somebody who talks too much. (Except for people who have a false sense of entitlement and also that one band I hate. You know the one I mean.) Chell has very exotic bone structure in her face, which is the main reason why I'm conflicted about her. From different angles she appears different, and in some cases, doesn't look too good. Also, it would be nice if she cracked a smile every now and then. Of course, people say the same thing to me.

14) Rosalina

I couldn't find enough pictures of Rosalina from Super Mario Galaxy, but I will say that she's way hotter than Princess Peach. Plus, she doesn't get captured constantly. The emo-hair thing is a little annoying, but I'd like to tell poor Mario that, dude, next time, ditch Peach and go for the babe.

13) Samus Aran

Among the first female video game characters the player actually plays as, Samus is a hot babe who can kick your ass, even without her Varia suit. The original Metroid is known not only for being a masterpiece of level design (which has since been borrowed by many other great games), but it was also one of the biggest bait-and-switches the gaming history. All throughout we thought she was a guy. The instruction manual even used the pronoun "he." But then, when the game is completed, Samus removes the helmet and reveals long hair.

	I know, that's actually the sprite from the the JUSTIN BAILEY code, but the one at the end couldn't be found.

Also, using the code JUSTIN BAILEY and then filling the blanks with either dashes or spaces enables the player to see clearly drawn boobies, and as if that wasn't enough...

	NAKERS!!! Well, almost. Don't know why her hair color's always changing, though.

Samus was definitely ahead of her time.

12) Jill Valentine

I was conflicted as to whom I should put on the list from the Resident Evil series. There are so many good choices. Claire Redfield, Rebecca Chambers, possibly Ashley Graham despite her obnoxiousness, but ultimately I decided to go with Jill. She's not ditzy, like Rebecca, she's not annoying, like Ashley, and I'd like to think she's tougher than Claire. She's also got nice stems.

11) Zelda

How could you go wrong with Zelda? She's rich, she's beautiful, she's got huuuuuuuuge... tracts of land. Plus, she represents the Triforce of Wisdom which means she's got brains. I dig chicks with brains. Princesses aren't my type, but Zelda doesn't let it get to her head. She's a smart and responsible monarch.

10) Dr. Naomi Hunter

A pale babe with black hair, and for those of you who don't know, I love pale babes with black hair. She also has somewhat of a sexy, breathy voice, and for no reason (or because the Metal Gear Solid 4 developers are perverts), in one of the new teaser trailers for the upcoming MGS4, it shows her with her top slightly unzipped.

Also, she has a doctorate, which means she's got brains. However...

NOT MERYL!

Meryl Silverburgh, also from the Metal Gear Solid series, is a stupid, whiny, um, person. What's with her hair? Is it plastic? Because if it's not, that's some killer hair spray she's using. And why go into battle with a freaking earring? Girl's gotta be nuts.

9) Midna

No! None at all! Link never speaks, you dolt!
I apologize for the low res images. It was very difficult to find pics of the lovely midna for some reason.

So before she reveals the form shown above, Midna was this weird little imp that wasn't really attractive at all. But holy Christ, my jaw dropped when I saw what she really looks like.

Honorable mention goes to Ilia (but not Telma the large barmaid). She's not officially on the list because I decided three Zelda chicks is too many.

Ilia	Telma

The cute tomboy vibe is nice, though, especially since she's identifiable as a female, unlike that fake female on the cover of the Elephant DVD.

WARNING! A MR. ARMAGEDDON TANGENT (TM)

	I can think of at least two things wrong with the cover of that movie (and one thing wrong with the title).

I thought I was gonna get lesbians riding elephants. Boy, was I wrong. The corrected and amended DVD cover is shown below:

	That's better. Now I can move on.

8) Rinoa Heartilly

Now, Rinoa here is really the one who solidified my love of pale babes with black hair. Final Fantasy VIII is definitely my least favorite in series, and I know most FF fans say part 2 is the worst but it's not fair for me to criticize a game I've never played. FF VIII's saving grace, however, is the two main heroes, Squall and Rinoa. I find Squall to be a very well-developed character, and oddly enough, his temperament is very similar to my own. In fact, he even kind of looks like me. And to add to the similarities is Rinoa, a spunky, free-spirited young lady, who is Squall's love interest in the game. Rinoa is typically the type of girl I'm attracted to (and I'm currently dating a female who fits the same basic personality type). It's as though Square created Squall, a cynical, anti-social bastard, and researched the types of women cynical anti-social bastards are attracted to, and then paired him with the bubbly Rinoa. (Or it could just be a coincidence. Who cares?) For those of you who have read my fiction, which probably isn't that many because my lit page is my least popular, you might know that my character Lonnie Rheed is actually quite similar to Rinoa (provided you've played the game, as well). That's because Rinoa was one of my many inspirations for the character, most notably her physical description.

	Hummina hummina...

The disproportionately long legs and unhealthy belt size is kinda dumb and too overused in the video game universe, but that still doesn't mean she's not hot.

7) My version of Commander Shepherd

Isn't she cute as a bug's ear (despite the crappy pictures taken with my digital camera)? You can make Commander Shepherd look like what you want her/him to look like, and also you can decide the character's general personality, which is pretty cool, although I've heard gay gamers are disappointed that the only same-sex love story is girl-on-girl but, uh, no complaints, here.

Love scene's with naked blue windbag alien chicks are hot.

Seriously, I'd like to see games do more of this since movies and television have been doing it for years. Yet, in the off the chance that it does happen in video games, the over sensationalized dumbshit media blows it out of proportion. Whatever. Such is the case with new forms of entertainment.

6) Nariko

Chicks with brains are nice, but so are chicks with guts. And red wild hair. Really wild hair. Nice body, too. I'd also like to say that it's good to see video game females who aren't damsels in distress, even though she is almost naked. But don't call the game sexist. One of the lead designers is female and she apparently is very pleased with Nariko.

But I'm not too fond of her retarded sister Kai (and I've read elsewhere about how some people seem to think Kai is hot). She creeps me out, especially since she refers to her crossbow as her "twing twang."

Kai

Nariko = Yes please.

Kai = Thanks, I'll pass.

5) Sarah Kerrigan

Redheaded psychics are cool, even if this particular redhead gets absorbed by the evil insectoid Zerg aliens and becomes their badass tyrannical dictator. There's even something oddly attractive about Kerrigan's Zerg-commanding, life-consuming, tens-of-millions-of-people- murdering, self-proclaimed "Queen Bitch if the universe" Zergified self.

And, like most Queen Bitches, she's not dead.

4) Alis Landale

Around the same time Samus was praised for being a female character that the audience actually played as, there was also Alis. It's difficult to say which is more significant because Nintendo did everything to hide the fact Samus is a woman so it's a big reveal at the end. Sega did no such thing for Alis, but Phantasy Star was not nearly as popular so she perhaps made less of an impact. Like Samus, Alis is a tough and endearing character. Actually, Samus isn't really "endearing" because she also fits the heroic mute, but whatever. Alis is a cutie who knows how to bring it and among the first female video game protagonists. Also, I really love that little skirt of hers.

3) Casey Lynch

If pictures really are worth a thousand words, then I'll just let the above three thousand words speak for themselves and move on.

2) Elena Fisher

Simply judging by the screenshots, it's pretty easy to tell Ms. Fisher is aesthetically pleasing, and in case you're wondering, yes, it was a fight for the game's creative director Amy Hennig to not design Elena with ridiculously humongous boobs. (The game is called Uncharted: Drake's Fortune in case you're wondering.) Furthermore, I've seen numerous gaming blogs and forums that praise her hotness, proving that big tits aren't necessary to be good-looking. (Big tits are pretty nice, though, but trying not to sound like too much of a pig I'll just say that I prefer natural breasts over big breasts if it means the big breasts are fake.) Not only that, but Elena is a real character, not just a stereotype as is often the case with female game babes. She feels like she could actually exist in reality. And (guess what?), not only is she beautiful, but she's also smart, strong, and all that kind of stuff that I like in women. Observe the following clip:

See? Cute and brave. A great combination.

1) Alyx Vance

Half-Life 2's Alyx Vance may well be the most convincing and emotionally resonant game characters created this side of the Pacific (Japanese role- playing games have had thorough character development for some time, now). She was deliberately designed to encompass a variety of racial characteristics in order to make her sympathetic to a wider audience. She also fits the same basic characteristics of all the females on this list (tough, smart, attractive, etc.). Plus, she dresses sensibly, which, being a guy, I can say is a mixed blessing because while I like nearly (or completely) naked chicks, I do think I'd rather a game--or anything, really--feature female characters who feel like they can exist in real life. Most girls I know, no matter how hot they may be, don't seem keen on the idea of modeling underwear or posing in Playboy. Undersexed nerds, however, seem to think that's all attractive females do. (Losers.) Seriously, I'd rather a woman be more like Alyx Vance than any of my rejects at the top of the page, even if Alyx constantly volunteers Freeman (that's you, the player) to do all the super difficult protecting/ guiding/fighting and whatnot. At least she trusts the player's ability.

UPDATE (5-8-2008): One image has been changed. See the old one here.