If The Simpsons movie isn't the single greatest thing that's ever happened to the human race, I will kill myself. Which means it can't just be a good movie. It must change society and inspire world peace. It should at least double Titanic's domestic gross, if not triple. It will be bigger than ten superbowls. Wait, scratch that. It will be bigger than ten second coming's of Jesus.

The Simpsons has done everything--every type of story that can be told. Drama, tragedy, science fiction, fantasy, comedy, romantic comedy, horror, action, satire, parody, irony, sarcasm, bathroom humor, feminism, humanism, humorism, romanticism, existentialism, objectivism, and many more. That's every genre in existence... except one. Epic. And that's where  the movie comes in.
 
It must be epic. It must kick Virgil's ass. It must slaughter Dante, it must mutilate Milton, it must vaporize Spenser (which isn't exactly a challenge because Spenser's The Faerie Queene is quite possibly the lamest epic ever written. Cave of Error, my ass.) It will put that pre-Simpsons Homer to shame. It will be more religiously interpreted than the Bhagavad Gita. It will be more historically significant than the Epic of Gilgamesh. It will be more awesome than Beowulf.
 
If it doesn't outgross Titanic, I'll break both my hands. If it doesn't outgross Star Wars, I'll paralyze myself from the waste down. If it doesn't outgross Shrek 2 I'll hurl myself from a mountaintop.
 
Don't talk trash to me about The Simpsons. This is what happened to the last person who did so.

Actually, the person in question (Pooki from Christgun) was only pelted by a barrage of bottle caps, but you get the point.
 
I've seen the trailer, and it's already inspired me to question my perception of reality.
 
If you miss this, you better be dead or in jail and if you're in jail, break out.