Selecting the perfect girlfriend can often be a daunting and ultimately pointless task given the fact that no human being is truly perfect. However, I have devised a method of determining the various female personality types based on their affection for Disney princesses. They are listed in order from most desirable to least desirable and ranked accordingly. The basic personality types I have outlined below are by no means all-inclusive, they are merely a guide to help the "on market" male single out their preferred types of girls. So let's get on with it, already!

1) In first place is none. That's right. Nada. Zilch. The best type of girl is the one who doesn't play Disney princess favorites, and by that I mean, the one who hates every Disney princess. In fact, this girl hates princesses altogether. Period. Nothing is worse than someone who goes around with a false sense of entitlement, except for maybe AC/DC because AC/DC fucking sucks.

But chicks who are into princesses often pretend to be princesses, and subsequently suck life, energy and mullah right out of their boyfriends. If possible, avoid the princess-loving female completely.

2) However, some males are wealthy and seem to enjoy treating their girlfriends like royalty. If you fit this category, then I might suggest Snow White.

Mistreated by her stepmother and forced into exile, it's very safe to say that Snow White has faced her share of hardships. In fact, that's an understatement. But triumphing over adversity and surviving numerous assassination attempts because she happens to be hotter than her mom also makes her a fighter. The woman who prefers Snow White typically doesn't flaunt her hotness. She hangs out with (and presumably accepts) lower-strata citizens. She also has an aversion to authority. Unfortunately, she's a bit of a dreamer, as well, and not in a good way. The Snow White girl often daydreams of when her Prince Charming will come and rescue her, which poses a bit of a problem if the aspiring male seeking her hand isn't what one would consider to be Prince Charming. Also, he may have to risk his life to win her heart, and have you ever seen the way chicks fight? Jeez.

3)

Third on the list is Belle. Belle reads, which means she's got brains, and brains are hot. That coupled with the fact that she's among the few Disney princesses who has nice chocolate brown eyes as oppose to the usual Aryan blue makes her an ideal fit for the guy seeking a girl who is a bit out of the ordinary. It doesn't hurt that Belle has a particular dislike of the so-called "Prince Charming" types mentioned above, evidenced by her thin patience with Gestan and ability to see the good in a horrible mutant beast. If you're not exactly a looker, then this is the girl for you. Be wary of the fact that she has the same problem as Snow White--always with her head in the clouds, but not having been born into royalty is a definite plus.

4)

Coming in at number four is Jasmine. Jasmine gets points right off the bat for being a princess who doesn't want to be a princess. She's headstrong and independent, and has a fucking tiger for a pet, which is awesome. Conversely, her independence can make her arrogant at times, and just because she doesn't want to be a princess doesn't mean she still isn't a princess. As a result, she is very disconnected from the outside world, and does not function well when trying to coexist with it. This means the Jasmine girl is in need of a good guide to show her around and sympathize with her daydreams (a recurring problem with Disney princesses). The man trying to win the Jasmine girl must also be aware that she is not a prize to be won. Elaborate song and dance routines are necessary to seal the deal, and seeing as the average male does not have access to a flying carpet or a genie, capturing her heart should prove to be rather difficult. Like most girls, the Jasmine girl hates to be lied to, but for her, this infraction is a serious offense. Word to wise: tell the truth. Lies only dig your grave deeper.

5)

Cinderella finishes fourth. Like Snow White, Cinderella was mistreated and abused and made stronger because of it. The Cinderella girl is not afraid to get her hands dirty. She'll definitely do her share of the housework, and she'll likely have a positive attitude, to boot. She also loves animals, which may or may not work to her advantage, depending on the man trying to woo her. Unfortunately, because of her desperate situation, she has little time on her hands and resorts to outside help to solve her most pressing problems. Whether it's fiendishly placing her animal friends into forced labor or wishing upon a Fairy Godmother to make everything right, the Cinderella girl is often afraid of doing the hardest tasks herself. Also, this personality type is for the guy who doesn't mind a bit of work, and by that I mean, a fuck of a lot of work. You must be willing to try a slipper on every female foot in the kingdom to win her hand, and for some guys, that's just too high-maintainance.

6)

If Cinderella is for the man willing to do the hardest tasks for his woman, then Sleeping Beauty is for the man willing to do absolutely everything for his woman. Sleeping Beauty is a hemophiliac, or possibly a hypochondriac evidenced by her vulnerability to a spinning wheel. And definitely a narcoleptic. She's also cursed, and for a stupid reason. Because a bunch of idiotic fairies didn't invite a sorceress to her birth celebration. Furthermore, her real name is Aurora, given this name because her parents were overjoyed at the color of her hair. That Aryan thing comes back, again. If you're of a darker skin tone, then winning over this girl's parents may be a task in and of itself. And just to add salt to the wounds, ya gotta risk your life again, this time to fight a dragon-transforming superbitch. For the guy who likes a serious challenge, the Sleeping Beauty girl is for you.

7)

Finishing seventh is Ariel. The redheaded umpteenth daughter of Triton is placed last due mostly to her attitude. As mentioned above, everyone hates a person who thinks the world owes them everything. The Ariel-loving female is this and then some. She is as spoiled as spoiled can be. Everything she could possibly want isn't enough. She just has to be in love with John Stamos--er, Eric, the human (you guessed it) prince. The Ariel girl does bullshit like this en masse. I once worked with one and she did nothing but complain. What really pissed me off, though, was that she always got her way. Far to many guys give in to the Ariel girl's hotness with our "playing the hero" crap (which we do way too much, by the way). All she has to do is play the "poor me" card and weaker males succumb to the succubus that is the Ariel girl.

The Ariel girl also operates under the erroneous assumption that all people on earth have but one potential soul mate. Sorry, but no. There are many compatible individuals. The most tragic aspect of the Disney Ariel is how much the studio deviated from the original story. Ariel would be placed higher on this list (possibly first) if they stuck to the book, but that's not how Disney works. In the book the Sea Witch was reluctant to make Ariel into a human. Whenever she took a step with her human feet it felt like she was stepping on knives. And (dunt da na!) she didn't get her man. In fact, she fucking died and turned into sea foam, if I'm not mistaken. The girl who prefers such a tragic character is more desirable because such characters do the opposite of the Disney Ariel--they work for what they have and know when to expect appropriate entitlements. Those who love these characters tend to behave similarly. The Disney Ariel girl is shallow and selfish. Avoid these types at all costs.

Now that you know this simple guide, feel free to use it as a tool for finding the right girl. And fear not, because despite what some may tell you, the right girl is out there. Just be sure to ask which Disney princess is her favorite sometime within the first three dates and you'll have a general idea of her habits and demeanor. Good hunting!