Have you ever watched a speech or press release by an inept douchebag president and thought, "How did this loser get this job?" Those thoughts run through my mind constantly, and that includes both Bush and Clinton. Conversely, have you ever heard the opinions of a man or woman and thought, "If that person were running for president, they'd have my vote." I know at least some of you have. I've seen bumper stickers that say, "My president is Charlton Heston," or, "My president is Martin Sheen." Well, here's who I think should helm this great land.

Adam Carolla. There's no better man for the job. Just to exemplify this point, here are a few of his key issues.

-Coin-operated life support machines. You live as long as your family can keep making change.

-Only two 911 phone calls a year, that way people can't use them up on crap like their next door neighbor's barking dog.

-Solution to the crisis in the middle-east: take all the Israelis and about ten inches of the topsoil of Jerusalem and drop it all into Baja. Seriously, this is a kickass idea. See, you can't put the Palestinians there because they'd just start killing Mexicans, but it always baffled me how people are willing to kill each other and themselves over one tiny strip of desert on a planet that has plenty of land in plenty of other places. Tell me, what's so great about the Dead Sea aside from those scrolls that exposed even more of the ignorance of Christianity? We have something similar here. It's called The Salton Sea and it sucks. It's basically the butt-hole of the Inland Empire.

-Sex offenders will be castrated. The punishment suits the crime.

-High schools go back to being comprised of only tenth, eleventh and twelfth grades, just as God intended. Who came up with the dumb idea of including ninth grade, as well? Somebody who was eager to sue an eighteen-year-old for statutory rape?

-McGruff will finally be put to sleep, replacing his useless public service announcements with PSAs that propagate information that's actually pertinent to what's going on today. Take a bite out of crime? Take a bite out of my ass!

The Carolla Administration

Here's who Adam Carolla's cabinet will be comprised of:

Someone sensible is definitely necessary to even out Mr. Carolla's perpetually irate nature. Plus, they've already worked together and we all know they make a good team.

An expert in the fine art of ass-kicking.

What better way to build foreign relations than by insulting them and farting into microphones? Plus, with him in the White House maybe the FCC would stop being so touchy about showing a pair of jugs on TV.

An expert at dodging questions. Here's a hypothetical press release:

NEWS JOURNALIST: Mr. Austin, could you please elaborate on the issue regarding--

AUSTIN: What?

NEWS JOURNALIST: The issue about--

AUSTIN: What?

NEWS JOURNALIST: I just wanted some info--

AUSTIN: What?

NEWS JOURNALIST: --About--

AUSTIN: What?

NEWS JOURNALIST: --The issue of--

AUSTIN: What?

NEWS JOURNALIST: Mr. Austin?

AUSTIN: What?

NEWS JOURNALIST: Please stop that.

AUSTIN: What?

NEWS JOURNALIST: Ass sphincter says what?

AUSTIN: What?

NEWS JOURNALIST: You're really starting to annoy--

AUSTIN: What?

NEWS JOURNALIST: Oh, forget it.

AUSTIN: Thank you.

His apologetic attitude toward Nixon and the small issue of having been in the second worst movie of all time notwithstanding, Ben Stein has worked in the White House previously and is a very reasonable and intelligent man. Maddox may also be able to change his stance on abortion from just plain anti-abortion to, anti-abortion pro killing babies, which is a step in the right direction.

Put these individuals in Washington for eight years and watch the gradual reversal of the massive mistake that was every presidency since Roosevelt (with the exception of maybe Eisenhower). The world will be saved.