By Rain Souza

Just as Steve McQueen is the progenitor of modern Awesome and as Beowulf is the first historic example of Awesome known to man, truly, there must be some Awesome Women throughout the history of Awesome and humankind. James Brown (who, by the way, is Awesome of the “Funky-Groovy” breed) may have said, “This is a man’s world,” he also points out, “But it ain’t nothin without a woman or a girl.”

One question presents itself, though, when thinking about Awesome Women: Are the standards for Awesome Women different than those of Awesome Men?

The answer is yes. And no. Awesome Men kick ass, as do Awesome Women, but for Awesome Women, their proclivities for kicking ass are seen as “ball-busting,” “masculine,” “un lady-like” and so on. Furthermore, the way they kick ass is different, as history hasn’t recorded many incidents of men physically getting their asses kicked by women…not that they’d admit to it. Awesome Women are usually ostracized by society, and must possess a certain fortitude to give their respective societies the middle finger and keep on being themselves. I really don’t think Awesome Men have to go through such shit.

One last thing before I continue: To those who are curious or haven’t figured it out, yes, I am a feminist. Before you dismiss me as a bitter hag who can’t get a date, burns bras, and doesn’t shave her legs, allow me to tell you that being a feminist DOES NOT mean that you hate men. Being a feminist means you want men and women on equal footing. A feminist doesn’t see men as the “problem” but sees them as allies, partners, and friends. And for the record, men can be feminists, too. Just ask Jesus, he was a feminist.

I will try to go in chronological order, but if I don’t, don’t get your knickers up your ass.

Lillith: According to certain schools of religion and thought, Lillith was Adam’s first wife, but was cast out for seeing herself as Adam’s equal. Truly, the first feminist and an example of the patriarchy being threatened by a strong woman.

(Note: According to White Wolf’s Vampire: The Masquerade pen-and-paper RPG, Lillith also raised Cain after his fall--Cain being considered the first vampire. -Ed.)

Queen Boadicia of Ancient Britain:

	After her husband screwed her over by ceding half of the kingdom to the Romans upon his death, and after the Romans publicly flogged her and raped her daughters, she opened a huge can of Whoopass, fought the Romans out, and proved that the most dangerous place in the world is between a mother and her children.
Above: artist's rendition of Queen Boadicia, shown here inventing the Clothesline From Hell.

Marie Curie: She risked her life to get an education, to educate young women, and was the first woman to not only win the Nobel Prize, but the first to win it twice. Ever break a bone? She was instrumental in inventing the X-ray. She also knew Albert Einstein--how awesome is that?

Stephanie Kwolek:

Thanks to this brainy broad, we have Kevlar. A great many rappers, mobsters, cops, and the guys in My Chemical Romance owe their lives and fashion statements to her.

Aretha Franklin:

You know she's the voice of God with boobs like that.

It’s kind of obligatory that I put her here…she is the voice of God, after all.

Sophia Loren:

This poor Italian girl grew up to be one of the coolest and most enduring actresses of the 20th and 21st centuries. Plus, she’s the world’s sexiest grandma. Besides, you gotta love a woman who’s been quoted as saying, “Everything you see, I owe to spaghetti.”

Margaret Thatcher: The first female prime minister of Great Britain who took shit from nobody, even when the IRA tried to bomb her ass. While most may not have agreed with her conservative views (well, she was a good friend of Reagan’s—and we all know how well he fucked things up for the poor and working classes), you gotta love her for sticking to her guns and her nickname, Iron Lady.
	A match made in hell.

Joan Jett:

	I'd be smiling, too, if I were hugging Carmen Electra and also if I were Joan Jett.

One of punk’s first women and she’s still kicking ass after all these years. Now if she can only come out with new material instead of repeating herself all the time…

Gloria Steinem:

I’ve actually had the pleasure of meeting this truly awesome woman when she gave a lecture at my university. She is one of the more famous early feminist leaders, but not a man hater at all. When a bunch of conservative meatheads started heckling her, she took it with humor and grace. When asked about her hopes for the future, she answered, “If we can raise a generation of non-violent children, we would have made it as a society.”

Ellen Johnson Sirleaf:

Liberia’s—and Africa’s—first female president (now why the hell can’t the U.S. catch on?). This grandmother was elected by the people and she has been stamping out the corruption and violence that has plagued Liberia for years. What’s even more astounding--and awesome--is that a great deal of the cabinet members in the Liberian most likely want her dead, put she’s pressing on despite assassination attempts.