This was too good to pass up.

A few weeks ago I spotted a flyer on the ground outside my work. Written in big bold letters and highlighted by a black ellipse was the phrase "Stop the stink!" Now, being somewhat savvy with the local politics, I remember one of the city measures during California's February primary that would limit the amount of roosters in the city of Riverside. I kid you not. Roosters. And we wonder why the rest of Southern California regards us as rednecks.

Now, the above mentioned flyer had to do with some ridiculous measure to close down manure plants and (I may be wrong on this) sewage treatment plants all to reduce the "stink" of Riverside. And who wants to make these changes?

Well, not Orange County in its entirety, but new Riverside residents I like to call the "Orange County Exiles," meaning, people who've been priced out of OC (not THE OC) and are forced into Riverside and hate it (that point is particularly important because, you know, it's not okay when a few of them stereotype me so why should it be okay when I stereotype them?). Actually, I don't know if "forced" is the right word. They have everywhere in the US to move to, and I hear housing is cheap in places like Nebraska, but instead they opt for the slightly less expensive homes in a currently unincorporated area of Riverside known as "Victoria Grove." (UPDATE 1-1-2010: Link is dead!) And seriously, read that link. It says house prices start in the "upper $400,000s" and before the housing crunch, the "low $500,000s." It may continue to go down as the economy worsens but seriously. Poor you, Orange County. You have to live in half-million dollar homes in gated communities that have their own private school districts? Man, I really feel for you. (Also, a lot of them end up in an area of South Riverside called "Orange Crest" and in various other places throughout the Inland Empire.)

Just for clarification, here is about where Victoria Grove is:

The yellow highlighted spot is the approximate location of Victoria Grove.

Where I work is almost in the dead center of town. Don't ask me why this flyer was floating around there because I don't know. What really made me laugh, though, was how accustomed I am to this supposed stink. I won't say that Riverside doesn't stink at all because I've heard the testimony of outsiders. However, I don't notice it. I don't know anyone who lives here who notices it. I find it absolutely hilarious that this is what the residents of Victoria Grove are worried about, despite the fact that they're in the flood plain of Lake Mathews as well as the Metropolitan Aqueduct. So you wanna know my solution?

Make Riverside smell worse.

Seriously. We can drive out the exiles if we open up dairies and allow more farm animals in residential areas. I mean, neighboring community Norco is the official horse capital of the US, having more horses than people. No joke. We get some more livestock here and maybe we won't have to use my catapult idea. (Too bad.)

This is just the beginning. Right now, Riverside is undergoing what they call the "Riverside Renaissance" project, which is essentially a calculated attack on happiness. Its purpose is to divert funding from areas in need of renovation to areas where renovation is utterly pointless, not pay the contractors, and then the council can embezzle the money. It's true that there have been numerous projects in which the contractors didn't receive a dime (at least until they tore down the fucking construction and the city finally coughed up the cash), and although I'm not sure where that money ends up, I can only conclude that our insanely corrupt politicians keep it for themselves. Where else can it go? Honestly, this is just conjecture on my part. Maybe a conspiracy theory, so don't quote me. Still, it makes me wonder.

Our own newspaper, The Press-Enterprise, doesn't report it. One time, a very powerful gang in town printed an ad that was essentially a threat to the life of the district attorney and the guy who allowed the ad to go through (and was also affiliated with the gang) got away with it. At least that was the status of the situation the last time I heard about it.

I was pissed when the anti-eminent domain bill in our most recent primary failed. I didn't care that it would also have eliminated rent control. Riverside is addicted to eminent domain. Back when our fabulous hotel, The Mission Inn, was about to be renovated, there was a great little club nearby called Attitudes that played tons of punk, metal, hip hop, and other unconventional music. Well, the people who would eventually come to operate The Mission Inn decided it attracted too much "riffraff." So a new fucking law had to be passed dubbed the "Attitudes Claus" which basically states that if a new developer wants to build something, they can lobby to eminent domain any businesses nearby that they don't happen to like. And in the name of eliminating more "riffraff," now almost all downtown parking is pay only.

Seriously, what is riffraff? Homeless people who possibly have bad drug addictions, mental illnesses, or are in some way disenfranchised? Since when to these people drive? How is putting up parking meters supposed to eliminate that?

Somehow or other, Barnes and Noble was able to buy out the Riverside Community College bookstore. Think about that. A private enterprise bought the bookstore of a public school. And they jacked up the prices. How does that even happen?

Want an idea of what Riverside is like? You may already know. A very accurate portrayal of Riverside has been airing on television for nineteen years.

I wonder how long it will take for Riverside's highly polluted (to the point in which ducks and fish are deformed) Lake Evans to get us trapped under a giant dome?

That's right. Springfield. With the exceptions of a nuclear power plant, a tire fire, and a gorge (the closest thing we have is an arroyo), everything you've ever seen in Springfield is in Riverside. Oh, we also don't have that Lard Lad donuts guy, either. But we do have a mountain. We have numerous incarnations of Duffman (I qualify Mr. Vodka Kills as one of them). Our version of the Crazy Cat Lady is the Crazy Raccoon Lady. (Seriously.) We have Mayor Quimby and Mr. Burns (combined). And a founder similar to Jebadiah Springfield known as John W. North, and who wants to bet his alter ego is none other than the dread pirate Captain Jonas Single U Westingnose Esquire? (Seriously, I'm gonna try to stop using parentheses for the remainder of the article.)

Riverside hates fun. They tore down all swing sets in public parks. They're building new public parks and I doubt they have anything fun, either. It's hard to keep all-ages music clubs open. We have to make them 18-and-older dives that allow alcohol for 21-year-olds.

I know I'm bitching. But this is my home town. I'm reminded of the movie Jaws in how people who were born on the island are considered "islanders" but even if you've lived there 25 years you can't be called an "islander" unless it's the place of your birth. It's the same thing for the Inland Empire. I'm damn proud of being an Inlandian, but you can't be considered one if you weren't born here. My message to anyone who moves here from parts unknown and can't get over how much they hate it is this: shut the fuck up. This is Riverside, not OC, and certainly not Nazi Germany, which is apparently what you're trying to turn it into. If I wanna make a play area for kids on my own damn property that doesn't have grass, I damn well am gonna do it. (Yes, this is a law. And drive by all the elementary schools in town and see a shitload of play areas that don't have grass at all. Fucking hypocrites.)

Well said.

	According to Trip Hawkins, founder of John Madden Football publisher Electronic Arts, "When you meet with John Madden in private, every other word is the F-word." This from Electronic Gaming Monthly, probably issue #150 (one of their top 200 lists).

That's all for now.