Hello! Welcome to Riverside, California, at the heart of the Inland Empire! Please don't ask why, it's called, that. No one really knows what, if anything, makes this place an "empire." The important thing to remember is that now that you're here, there's no way out, so try to make the most of it. I'm your tour guide, some idiot who works for City Hall. As a representative of this fine establishment, it's my duty to do as much as humanly possible (and some people allege we may not even be human) to ruin everything for everyone! We'll start

by reminding you of our wonderful traffic laws! If you park in a two hour zone for only one single hour and move to a completely different two hour zone for another solitary hour, fear not! Your car will still be ticketed and possibly impounded for the whole two hours! Welcome to Riverside! Wait, did I say that already? It's hard to tell with this stunted mind of mine. I am, after all, from Orange County, so it's perfectly excusable to behave like a douchebag because let's face it. Everyone knows terrorists spiked The OC's water supply years ago, which is evidenced by the fact that we, and by extension, you, call it THE OC, when no other county in the nation does! Sure, the article is completely unnecessary. I mean, it's not like we call this crummy place THE Riverside County or THE San Bernardino County or even THE Los Angeles County, but I digress.

Above you'll notice an intersection that has been blocked off for no apparent reason. This one intersection actually comprises three streets, and it's been said that the locals call it the "fly trap," although I've never heard anyone other than Orange Countyites use that term but seriously, do you think we, the beautiful OC betters now controlling Riverside, would self-apply the word "fly?" Of course not! Don't be silly! Blocking off this street was the best idea we ever had! Let's forget that two of these streets have rail crossings just up the way that might actually be the real source of the congestion and also the fact that residents in the area fought this blocking tooth and nail because I certainly know that the people who have lived here all their lives haven't the faintest clue how to run a town so it's up to us, the nation's finest yuppies, to do everything for them. *Le sigh...*

Our solution to the traffic problem in Riverside is to worsen the traffic problem in Riverside by spearheading initiatives like the ones shown above. Trust me, we just love unnecessary stop signs and, better yet, traffic signals. Take a drive through The OC to find out for yourself. It's wonderful wasting gas and time and getting pissed off over the tiniest of infractions.

LANE BIKE!

I just love what we've done to Pine Avenue! It used to be a two lane street (going only one direction) but we decided it was in the best interest of our people to bottleneck the traffic in a residential area by eliminating one lane and replacing it with a completely unnecessary bike lane! Why does a residential street need a bike lane, you ask? I don't know! I'm not the one who spiked my water supply all those years ago! But wait, there's more! Parallel street Redwood has also been tampered with!

See? This is also a one-way road but we've improved it so that everything on the north side of Fourteenth is one lane (excluding the pointless bike lane, naturally) but the south side has two lanes! Aren't we smart? Also, you may notice in the above photographs a very dead graveyard, pun most certainly intended. That's Evergreen Cemetery, a cemetery that has very little greenery. In what may possibly be the only dumb decision this town has ever made (since us Orange Countyites took control, that is) "Project Evergreen Living Up Its Name" is currently under way. Now why would someone do a thing like that? Don't you just hate frivolous spending?

Observe Monroe Street. That dotted line signifies an exit only lane, which we assure you is only temporary. The nearby water manes need work so we took the liberty of ruining traffic on this street just to be on the safe side.

See how nobody, not even the bus drivers, pay any attention to the right-turn-only signs? Well, they are from Riverside, so I guess I can excuse them for having the unfortunate luck of getting themselves born into a very stupid place such as this, so I'll let it fly. Just be advised, when we built housing tracts down Allesandro before building the pipelines necessary to keep them hydrated please don't blame us. Blame the terrorists for spiking The OC's water supply.

Is it rural or suburban? We have both. Orange groves, tract housing, slums, gangbangers, cowboys (complete with horses and rank odors), you name it, it's probably in Riverside. Teenage visiters from back east have asked why no one ever sets palm trees on fire (they are basically giant torches, after all). The answer is simple: people in Southern California (kids in particular) actually have fun things to keep them occupied. Why do you think CKY and subsequently Jackass originated from West Chester Pennsylvania? Because there's little of anything in that part of the country, which means young people have to resort to taking shits out of car windows, taking shits while running full speed and eating horse shit to keep themselves occupied. Also, they set cars on fire and piss in each other's faces and manually masturbate horses and drink the ejaculate. Just for fun. And kids in SoCal still play video games and actually have a few night clubs to go to. Boy do we pity those easterners.

Look, I can almost see the mountains!

Well, I hope you enjoyed this photo tour of Riverside. Be sure to at least make an attempt to leave. I hear that catapult idea is gaining steam. In conclusion, Riverside is a land of contrast.