If you've been keeping up with the website, then you might know that I deliver pizzas for a living. As such, I have deemed it necessary to outline several basic rules all people should exercise when they order a pizza (or any food delivery service, for that matter).

1) The most basic rule of all restaurants is the most important: never fuck with people who handle your food. Trust me.

2) Please treat your delivery driver with the same dignity and respect you would show a server at a so-called "regular" restaurant. People are quick to tip the waiter and the waitress, but for some reason, not the pizza guy. Why? All a server does is take down your order, bring you your food and occasionally fill your coffee mug. Conversely, all a pizza driver does is load heavy bags of pizza and other assorted meals in his car (drinks included), drive through the elements, bad neighborhoods, heavy traffic, stupidly designed infrastructure, and inept drivers (which is roughly 80% of Californians), and take your food right to your front door. You don't even have to leave the house.

3) It is not necessary to speak to the driver about the weather. Trust me, he or she knows all about it. After all, they're the ones who are out in it, not you.

4) Delivery drivers are not take-a-penny-leave-a-penny trays. Receiving a twenty dollar bill for an order cost of $19.98 and being told, "Keep the change," is not a tip. It's an insult. (PS: this has actually happened to me.)

5) Delivery drivers are not in the market for new gods. Don't try to sell them any. In fact, don't try to sell them anything. At all.

6) Don't order out if you're not at home yet. There is a chance the driver will get there first, in which case, said driver will leave when you don't answer, and he or she will return at a later time, opening up the possibility of cold food. Remember, they have other customers, so don't complain if you happen to have bad timing.

7) After ordering out, do not do the following as you wait for your food to arrive:

-Listen to loud music

-Take a shower

-Have sex

-Go swimming (unless providing specific instruction to bring the food to the pool)

Or any other activity that may inhibit your ability to hear a knock or a doorbell. There is an unwritten rule among delivery drivers that we will ring the bell three (3) times or knock in three sets of three before leaving. No more, no less (unless you answer the door before knock two or three). If you don't hear the driver, it's not his fault.

8) Don't flash your tits if your not the legal consent age in your respective state. I was flashed once (and only once) by a group of slumber-party-girls who couldn't have been older than fourteen. I, personally, don't consider that hot. I consider it gross.

9) Don't try to rip off the driver. If he or she is experienced, then they know every trick in the book.

10) Lastly, don't order out if you don't intend to tip. A tip is an incentive to do the job right. Say I'm taking two orders, one never tips, and the other tips five dollars every time. I'm gonna take the big-tipper's order first, even if it means taking the orders out of sequence or working against geography. And don't give the, "I'm too broke to tip" excuse. If you have enough money to order out, you can spare at least a dollar. Think about it: I've taken orders clear across town that consist of two sandwiches and a can of coke, roughly twelve dollars. For the same amount of money you can buy a whole loaf of bread, all the necessary components typically contained within a sandwhich, and give or take a few bucks for a drink, meaning, roughly the same amount of money to order out would get you ten meals, easy. You're not broke, you're just dumb, or lazy (most likely both).

Follow these simple guidelines and you will prevent late orders and loogies. Remember, not only do these rules help the driver, ultimately, they help you, too.