DUMBASS FILM MAKER : "Okay, I got the movie for you! Picture this: Nicolas Cage is a love-sick stunt biker who sells his soul to the devil for some reason and then has to go collect other souls of demons including the devil's son who's just a prissy goth kid in a black trench coat! When Nicolas Cage transforms into 'Ghost Rider' his physique completely changes so as not to match the live actor's body at all! You have an oh-so-typical mentor character played by Sam Eliot, a back story that takes way too fucking long to pan out so we can actually see the skeleton dude with his flaming skull, the bad guys die easier than Panda bears, throw in Eva Mendez's boobs and there it is! Your next hit movie!"

STUDIO EXECUTIVE: "Sweet! I'll give you twenty gazillion dollars and a blow job for it!"

Seriously, what were they thinking when they made this pile of puke? I thought there was little if anything (other than Steve McQueen) more awesome than a firey bike rider in black leather who whips sinners with a chain and blasts their faces off with a shotgun. The actual Ghost Rider has about twenty minutes of total screen time. This is what people came to see, idiot Hollywood suit-wearing movie maker--a badass bounty hunter who's not afraid to fuck shit up, not Nicolas Cage doing what may very well be a performance worse than anything Keanu Reaves has ever done which is saying something because I used to think that the only actor worse than Keanu Reaves would be the exhumed corpse of Maralyn Monroe falling out of cupboards and frightening the children.

So the movie starts off with a ten minute sequence involving a young Johnny Blaze (Nicolas Cage and some other dipshit actor I care not to look up) moaning about his unrequited love and his devotion to his father who is dying of cancer. The devil decides to show up with no warning whatsoever and Johnny signs the contract to save his father's life also with no warning or even any thought into what repercussions selling one's soul to the devil might have. The whole opening was one constant cringe for me. Man, the writing is bad. In fact, it has the worst writing I've been tortured with since George Lucas decided he was too good to hire script consultants. I really do have to wonder how fucking hard is it to find good writers? I am a writer. I've taken tons of writing classes, and I know tons of great writers, almost all of whom still have yet to sell a screenplay or get published. In a movie, a writer is basically the lowest tiki on the totem pole and they get paid anywhere from 200 to 500 grand while shitty actors like Nicolas Cage get millions just for standing and pointing (without quite sticking out his index finger) for ten minutes. Why doesn't he close the rest of his fucking hand? Listen, douche nozzle, it's not pointing if each finger is thrust in different directions! Fuck!

The villains are even worse. Seriously, why is it that main bad guys always sends pawns to try to kill the good guy first? All it does is give the good guy time to gain enough power so he can beat the bad guy. And not only that, but there are four bad guys in this thing. Four! C'mon, if me and my friends had walked out of the theater and found some guy who wanted to kick our asses we wouldn't send a single man to fight him one at a time. We'd fucking gang up on him! So logically doesn't it stand to reason that if you attack a newly formed soul collector who still doesn't quite know how to use his powers with four "very" powerful demons then the odds would be in your favor? I use the word "very" in quotes because all the bad guys die in like two seconds. Ghost Rider punches one and he's dead. He spins his chain around another and then that one's dead. He somehow manages to light up underwater and the third one is dead. Even when the main bad guy gathered a thousand souls in his body all Ghost Rider had to do was shoot him and he was done. When I saw Black Heart (or whatever the hell his name was) absorb all his souls and refer to himself as "Legion" I was thinking, "Oh, now the shit's really hit the fan!" I don't know why I was expecting it to be Castlevania's Legion.

	Once again I am obliged to praise the sheer amount of awesome that is a big giant flying ball of dead bodies.

That would just be too awesome. The makers of this film are so lame that if they experienced something that awesome they'd vomit their hearts and possibly other vital organs. And to think, this is the first movie I've seen this year. Holy Christ, 300 better be good.